Are you planning on heading out to a karaoke bar for the first time? Then do yourself, and everyone else who will be there, a huge favor: print out this list and bring it with you.  Because chances are, you will commit one of the following karaoke sins, and be damned to hell's karaoke bar. 

1.  Nobody wants to hear you sing for seven minutes

Hell's karaoke bar, by the way, only has one song in its book: "Hotel  California" by The Eagles.  It's only six and a half minutes long, but it feels like so much longer.  It's like the menorah of karaoke songs: you think it's only going to last for one day, but then the guitar solo plays for eight days while you stand their with the mike in your hand looking for something to do with yourself.  I have a few suggestions, by the way.

Other offenders include: "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meatloaf, "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugarhill Gang

Exceptions: NONE.  Keep your songs to 4 minutes.  5 if you are a good singer, but guess what? You can't sing.  You are in a karaoke bar.

2. Are you Michael Stipe? No? Then you don't know the words to "The End Of The World As We Know It"

mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble LEONARD BERNSTEIN

Other offenders include: "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies, "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel

Exceptions: The guy to did the heavy metal version of "We Didn't Start The Fire" who didn't know all the lyrics, but it was still awesome when he did HEAVY METAL SUICIIIIIIIIIDE.  That guy was cool.  The rest of you? No dice.

3. Okay, so now you've made the rest of us feel depressed, too.  Are you happy now?

You know who you are.*

4. Uh, maybe you should have checked the lyrics before you started singing that song...

Hey, two guys who sang  "Endless Love" by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie:  I was totally grooving on it.  You were into it, the harmony was nice, and I was just kind of amazed to see two openly homosexual men singing together in a karaoke bar in Houston.  But then I realized you were both here with your wives, and it made me feel just incredibly awkward.

Other offenders include: Those same two guys singing "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole.  Seriously, guys? Is there something we should know?

5. "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock

If hell's karaoke bar only has Hotel California in the songbook, then "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock is the only song you can play on the jukebox.  Not only does it suck, but now two other, formerly great songs suck by association.  Imagine if "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon" and "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd had a baby, and that baby had Down's Syndrome.  That's what this song sounds like.  Stop singing it.  STOP IT VERN.

Other offenders include: "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Home Alabama".  Sorry, but all I hear now is the retarded Kid Rock version.  They are tainted.

6. Stop actually being an awesome singer

It's great that you are a really good singer.  Really.  But you know what? I suck.  That is why I am in a karaoke bar, and not in a recording studio.  So don't come into my karaoke bar and sing all good and shit, because you know who is next? I am.  And if I sounded like crap before, what do I sound like now? 

Oh, and also? The little sexy salsa dancing? You can cut that shit out, too.  And why are you wearing a tie and a jacket?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??!?

7. This is the 3rd time you have sung this song, and it isn't getting any better

Hey, almost-cute blond girl? I haven't been in this karaoke bar for over a month, and you are still singing the same two country songs.  You still suck. Sing something else.  This book has hundreds and hundreds of songs in it.

Other offenders include:  The old broad that sings "Men" every time she is there.  Pretty great the first time.  Not so much anymore.  Sorry.

Exceptions: Me.  I can do "In The End" by Linkin Park as many times as I want.  Cause IN THE EEEEEEEEEEND, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER...



* It's Jim