Flipping through the Houston Press, Houston's alterna-weekly newspaper, Suzi came upon a 2-page spread with advertisements looking for participants in medical research studies.  Let's help her pick one to participate in.

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DO YOU USE COCAINE?

The study: The University of Texas - Houston, Mental Sciences Institute is looking for cocaine users to participate in a study on memory, mood, and attention.

Requirements: Cocaine habit

Cons: Cocaine habit

Pros: Compensation is available, which would offset costs of cocaine habit

Conclusion: Eh, maybe if she already had a cocaine habit, but does not seem worth it to start one from scratch.
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COUPLES LOOKING FOR A BIRTH CONTROL METHOD WITHOUT HORMONES?

The study: Advances in Health is conducting a research study on an investigational latex-free diaphragm and contraceptive gel.

Cons: Uh, what if you are in the control group?

Pros: Uh... seriously is there a control group?

Conclusion: So if the study is a failure everyone ends up with kids? At least Suzi could quit her cocaine habit.

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AT LAST, YOU CAN TAKE ACTION IN HIV-ASSOCIATED DIARRHEA

The study: Holy shit, HIV gives you diarrhea too? HIV is now officially the worst thing ever.

Cons: Suzi would need to contract HIV and then start pooping alot.

Pros: The ad features a picture of an HIV-positive man kicking a roll of toilet paper.  Also, it appears that they used the Star Trek font for their ad.  I really need a scanner.

Conclusion: The cocaine thing is looking better and better!

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NEEDLE-LESS VACCINE RESEARCH

The study: Accelovance is seeking volunteers 18-49 to participate in a pandemic flu vaccine nasal powder research study.

Cons: Um...

Pros: Damn, $825 bucks! And when the bird flu hits, I'll be vaccinated! And I hate needles! Forget Suzi, sign me up!  Plus, it sounds like we could go straight from this to the cocaine study.

Conclusion: I'm calling tomorrow. To be continued?