Oh my God.

How else to describe what has happened in the last few days in the presidential race? Sarah Palin is a walking Oh my God.  The news is breaking faster than her pregnant teenage daughter's water.  For someone who is pro-life, her candidacy is quickly turning into an abortion.

And on and on.

Just to make sure nothing falls through the cracks, I've taken it upon myself to aggregate all the Palin news I can muster into one place.  As of September 3, 2008, here is your Obscure Guide to Sarah Palin.

(Photoshopped? Yes. Awesome? Yes.)


Qualifications

One assumes that, before accepting the job, she at least had McCain explain to her what a VP does.

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"

Here's a positive part of the selection: it's fun to watch talking heads try to justify it!

Patriotism

"The founder of the Alaska Independence Party -- a group that has been courted over the years by Sarah Palin, and one her husband was a member of for roughly seven years -- once professed his 'hatred for the American government' and cursed the American flag as a 'damn flag.' "

Didn't we spend the entire summer talking about Obama's former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, for this exact same shit? Except I don't think Wright ever mentioned secession:

" 'The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government,' [AIP founder] Vogler said in the interview, in which he talked extensively about his desire for Alaskan secession, the key goal of the AIP."

Associates

Oh, and here's another guy vying to be Sarah Palin's Jeremiah Wright:

"Palin's church, the Wasilla Bible Church, gave its pulpit over to a figure viewed with deep hostility by many Jewish organizations: David Brickner, the founder of Jews for Jesus [on August 17th]."

Wouldn't a Jew for Jesus be called a Christian? That group as always confused me.  Anyway, here are some of the insightful remarks Mr. Brickner had to say while Sarah Palin was in attendance:

" 'Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. It's very real. When [Brickner's son] was in Jerusalem he was there to witness some of that judgment, some of that conflict, when a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment -- you can't miss it.' "

That's right - terrorist attacks by Palestinians on Israeli citizens was judgment for the Jews unbelief in the divinity of Jesus Christ.  Hmm, why does that sound so familiar...

She's got all the right political friends too.

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin began building clout in her state's political circles in part by serving as a director of an independent political group organized by the now embattled Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens."

"Palin's name is listed on 2003 incorporation papers of the 'Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service, Inc.,' a 527 group that could raise unlimited funds from corporate donors. The group was designed to serve as a political boot camp for Republican women in the state. She served as one of three directors until June 2005, when her name was replaced on state filings."

Abuse of power

"Alaska's former commissioner of public safety says Gov. Sarah Palin,  [...] personally talked with him on two occasions about a state trooper who was locked in a bitter custody battle with the governor's sister.

In a phone conversation Friday night, Walt Monegan, who was Alaska's top cop until Palin fired him July 11, told the Daily News that the governor also had e-mailed him two or three times about her ex-brother-in-law, Trooper Mike Wooten, though the e-mails didn't mention Wooten by name.

Monegan claims his refusal to fire Wooten was a major reason that Palin dismissed him."

Nice! Get your sister's ex fired from his job so he can't win a custody battle.  Also, ruin his career in the process. Those are some family values!

Reform

"In her introductory speech Friday as McCain's running mate, Gov. Sarah Palin picked up on the Ketchikan bridge that was never built as a symbol of bad federal policy.

"I championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress," Palin said at her first campaign appearance. 'In fact, I told Congress -- I told Congress, 'Thanks, but no thanks,' on that bridge to nowhere. If our state wanted a bridge, I said we'd build it ourselves.' "

Well, that's pretty great, actually.  Okay, okay - it would be great if it weren't a flat out, bald-faced, catch-me-if-you-can lie:

"On Oct. 22, 2006, the Anchorage Daily News asked Palin and the other candidates, 'Would you continue state funding for the proposed Knik Arm and Gravina Island bridges?'

Her response: 'Yes. I would like to see Alaska's infrastructure projects built sooner rather than later. The window is now -- while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist.' "

And the full of shit-ness about earmark spending doesn't stop there. Not even close.

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin employed a lobbying firm to secure almost $27 million in federal earmarks for a town of 6,700 residents while she was its mayor." [OC: that's $4000 a person.]"

"There was $500,000 for a youth shelter, $1.9 million for a transportation hub, $900,000 for sewer repairs, and $15 million for a rail project -- all intended to benefit Palin's town, Wasilla, located about 45 miles north of Anchorage."

Compassion

Hey, know what's hilarious? Cancer.

"The governor's appearance on KWHL's "The Bob and Mark Show" last week is plain and simple one of the most unprofessional, childish and inexcusable performances I've ever seen from a politician."

"Early on in the conversation before Palin started to crack up, [DJ Bob] Lester referred to [Alaskan Senate President Lyda] Green as a jealous woman and a cancer. Palin, who knows full well Lyda Green is a cancer survivor, didn't do what any decent person would do, say, 'Bob, that's going too far.' "

"Then Lester clearly sets the stage for what he is about to say by warning his large audience and Palin. He says, 'Governor you can't say this but I will, Lyda Green is a cancer and a b----.' Palin laughs for the second time."

Censorship

"[A]s mayor, Palin continued to inject religious beliefs into her policy at times. 'She asked the library how she could go about banning books,' he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. 'The librarian was aghast.' That woman, Mary Ellen Baker, couldn't be reached for comment, but news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire Baker for not giving 'full support' to the mayor."

Mm, an old-school conservative, with old-school conservative book burning values!

Family planning

Her views on abortion:

"I am pro-life. With the exception of a doctor's determination that the mother's life would end if the pregnancy continued. I believe that no matter what mistakes we make as a society, we cannot condone ending an innocent's life." [OC: this includes cases of rape and incest.]

Contraception:

"Today, pro-life groups in the U.S. are reclassifying the most common contraception methods, including the birth control pill, the patch, the IUD and the depo-shot, as 'abortifacients,' claiming, with no scientific backing, that they cause abortions. On their website, Feminists for Life classifies emergency contraception as an abortion method." [OC: Sarah Palin is a member of Feminists for Life]

Sex ed:

"[T]he explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support."

Well, that abstinence-only education program worked great for your daughter Bristol, pregnant at the age of 17. Oh, and about the father of this lucky child, Levi Johnston? Here are some excerpts from his (now taken down) Myspace page:

"I'm a f - - -in' redneck ... I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess ... Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass ... [I am] in a relationship [but] I don't want kids."

Oops! Enjoy your shotgun wedding, Levi.

But surely Sarah Palin, mother of a teenage mother, would at least have some compassion for other teenage mothe... oops!

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee who revealed Monday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, earlier this year used her line-item veto to slash funding for a state program benefiting teen mothers in need of a place to live.

After the legislature passed a spending bill in April, Palin went through the measure reducing and eliminating funds for programs she opposed. Inking her initials on the legislation -- "SP" -- Palin reduced funding for Covenant House Alaska by more than 20 percent, cutting funds from $5 million to $3.9 million.

So, pregnant teens: you better have those babies like God intended.  But don't expect any help actually caring for them from us.  Sluts.

Did I miss anything? Or, Jesus Christ, did some more news break? Send me your tips here.