[Dear Margo is published on Thursday and Fridays on Yahoo! news. For the original columns, click here and here.]
Dear Margo OC,
This is a new problem for
me, but it may be more common than I realize. I have been in a great
relationship for a year and a half. We're both very happy. In fact, my problem
is not with him. Before we started dating, I was involved in an on-again,
off-again relationship with a manipulative, controlling, possessive man.
Although it never got physical, he had every sign of an abuser. When we finally
broke up for good, he essentially had another woman lined up and ready to go.
(We're talking the next day!) That made the breakup a lot easier to take
because it was immediately clear that he hadn't cared for me as much as he had
professed. I feel like I dodged a bullet. However, two years later, I'm still
looking for his car and trying to glean every little morsel of gossip about him
I can find. I don't know where my head is with this mild obsession. My
questions: Why am I so interested in what this toxic person is up to after what
he put me through and why do I even care? What do I do to cut the strings and
forget about him?
--- WANTING TO FEEL APATHETIC
----
Dear
Pathetic,
I truly
struggled with answering this question.
I mean, isn't this the classic "girls like bad boys" cliché?
How could I, your ever humble advice
columnist, hope to solve a dilemma that has
troubled relations between men and
women for all of time?
Inspiration
came from an unexpected source. Pathetic, do you watch "The Hills"? The Suze
watches it, and, despite my best efforts, I can tell you lots and lots about
it. There is a character on the show
named Audrina (yes, The Hills is a "reality" show, so Audrina is technically a
real person, but trust me: they are all playing characters). Audrina has an on again, off again boyfriend
named Justin Bobby. Justin Bobby, much like your ex, is a classic douchebag. He has no discernible job or skills, doesn't
shave, rides around on a motorcycle and is a complete dick to Audrina. You would think that Audrina, being a quite
attractive young woman who isn't shy about posing for nude photographs on the
internets, would not have any difficulty landing a suitor who isn't a complete
douchebag, and yet, Audrina continues to be enamored with Justin Bobby and his
douchebaggery.
After
having the chance to observe Audrina, who finds herself trapped in a
relationship much like the one you were in, I feel I know what your problem
is. You see, Audrina is an idiot. She is dumb.
She is shallow and stupid and pathetic.
My guess is that you, Pathetic, are also stupid.
Okay,
so we've answered the "Why" of your question, but now for the "What": what can
you do to forget about him? It seems clear that the answer is "stop being an
idiot". But if it were only so easy,
right? Much like a soft, doughy couch potato, your brain needs exercise. Your brain may never be the mental equivalent
of Mr. Universe, but you can certainly do a sit-up or two. My suggestion? Try working the Sunday New
York Times crossword. Take a couple of
hours, have some reference books at hand, and work your way through it.
----
Dear Margo OC,
I'm at a loss as to how to deal with my husband's behavior. He's never been an
animal person, and I get that, so when our family pet suddenly died I knew he
wouldn't mourn much. What shocked me was his blatant disregard for my grief. I
flat-out told him I needed some comfort, I'm in tears, and he said, "I'm
not in a comforting mood." Basically, he left me alone to deal with the
vet, the remains and the children. I tried writing him a letter saying that I
know he does not understand my grief, but as my husband I expect him to be
there when I need him. He ignored my letter and appears to think that if he
ignores this it will go away. Is there any hope or any way that he'll see that
while we won't always agree on something, sometimes I'm going to need his
support anyway? Or should I just find another support system? --- STILL QUITE SAD
----
Dear
Quite,
It is
one thing to not be an animal person, and another to ignore your wife when she
is grieving, however foolish you think that grief may be. There is nothing further you can do regarding
your husband other than go back in time and not marry an asshole.
----
Dear Margo OC,
When I married
"Phil" two years ago, I was in heaven. It was the culmination of
several wonderful years of living together. But at the time we were married, my
husband was unemployed. He'd had a not-so-rewarding experience in his last position
and wanted to take some time to reevaluate his path in life and his spiritual
purpose. Being the supportive wife and knowing he had substantial savings, I
said fine, take the time you need. Now, two and a half years later, the savings
are gone and there is no motivation on Phil's part to get a job. He says he
cannot spend his life being "miserable" in a 9-to-5 job seeing how
disappointed I am in my current job, and he feels "something big" is
coming up spiritually. Now my savings, the money I had put away for a house,
has dwindled by the thousands in an effort to maintain some semblance of the
life we once enjoyed. Phil meditates all morning, then walks around town or
goes to lunch with his friends while I work to pay the bills. I have no sex
drive anymore, which is taking another toll on our relationship. He says that
if I feel that disappointed in him I should divorce him, but wishes I would
stick with him through this "tough time." I feel that he is not
fulfilling his obligations as a husband, either financially or emotionally. I
feel more depressed and alone than ever before, but do I have the right to tell
Phil to give up his spiritual quest because I don't have the money to support
him anymore? ---
DIRECTIONLESS
----
Dear Directionless,
I suggest you have a spiritual awakening of your own: you
are a mark, and you have married a con man.
If not a con man, then at least a very selfish person who has put his
own happiness above your own. You said
it yourself: he has seen how disappointed you are with your current job, but
rather than make any attempt to take some of your burden off, he uses it as a
further excuse to "meditate" (which I interpret as alternately watching porn
and Maury paternity test results while you are at work) and otherwise neglect
his duties to your marriage and to you.
DTMFA. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go "meditate."
----
Dear Margo OC,
I have been in a long-term
relationship with a man (over eight years). I've always wanted to get married,
and he has always been unclear about his intentions. This man has been verbally
abusive, non-supportive and very selfish. A month ago I moved out of our house
and into my own apartment. Now he wants to get married, claiming to see the
error of his ways. We've been seeing a counselor, both individually and as a
couple. I love this man; however, I have a lot of wounds that need to be healed
before I can be engaged to him. How can I forgive him and love again? How do I
trust him to not go back to his old ways? How do you know that you love someone
and are not just feeling a strong sense of need for them? --- AMBIVALENT
----
Dear
Ambivalent,
You
might want to try the Sunday Times Crossword, too.
