@ September 29, 2008

You know what really grinds my gears?  The French language.  What's up with all of the unnecessary letters everywhere?  It's fricken' annoying.  I never know where to stop speaking syllables.  I mean look at the title of this entry.  Why is there a goddamn 'z'!?  What does that do!?!?!?  I'll tell fucks with Americans.  I'm sure this is how this ridiculousness started:

Pierre: [in a sleazy French accent] Hey Philippe.  Do you know how we can fuck with those silly Americans?
Philippe: [in a sleazier French accent] No Pierre...please tell me how. [Philippe fixes his beret.]
Pierre: Let's add a bunch of letters to the end of our words.  Then they won't be able to pronounce them and we can laugh at them...hohoho.
Philippe: Great idea.  Now lets smoke cigarettes and masterbate to unshaven women.

I mean take a look at the French word for yes...'oui'.  There is no 'w' and there is no 'e' can this word be pronounced 'we'!  There's not even a consonant in that word!  And please tell me how the letters 'eaux' combined to make an 'o' sound.  What the fuck!  There is a simpler way Frenchies.  The worst part is that it's not just one consistent letter at the end of a word either.  Examples:

coup d'etat - pronounced: coo de ta (fuck you 'p' and fuck you extra 't')
faux pas - pronounced fo (as in: 'fo'shizzle my nizzle') pa (as in: Your ma and pa are rednecks.)
la langue française suce des boules d'âne - pronounced 'the French language sucks donkey balls'

Now I know that there are a bunch of fat Spedo-wearing Parisian huggers out there that will say, "Hey Daytrader...don't make fun of the French's a Romance language."  What does that even mean?  A Romance language.  I don't see the French language inviting me over to its house for a candle-lit dinner followed by passionate love-making on a bed covered in rose petals; nor do I see it giving me a back rub while I watch a rerun of the Giants beating the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII in my boxers, because those are the only two things that register as romantic in my brain.

And to top it all off French language, you don't even call French fries 'French fries'.  Instead you call them 'pommes frites'!  Now you're just being assholes.  Well thanks to terrorists (and with an assist from the South) French fries are a thing of the past, now we have Freedom Fries, and every letter is pronounced.  So suck on that fuckeaux.


Damn...Gallagher took my next grinds my gears segment. Aww hamburgers.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Family Guy references.

So what you're saying is that a Frenchman hit on Rose in front of you?

Hey...I didn't say that French people grind my gears (yet)...only the French language. And plus, with that logic Andy Samberg must have hit on Rose in front of me also (if only I were to get that close...grr).

Speaking of Andy Samberg, you know what really grinds my gears? Andy Samberg's enormous mouth. And I don't mean like your mouth is enormous, DT, in that he talks alot. I mean his mouth is as wide as the day is long. He looks like he could suck a dick sideways.

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