[Dear Mrs. Web is published... at some interval.  I have no idea.  Do they just give anyone an advice column these days? Anyway... for the original, click here.]

Dear Mrs. Web OC,

I am looking for impartial advice.  My fiancé and I are getting married next month.  We have a four-year old together.  My mother-in-law has always been good, not interfering, or manipulative.  Until now.  She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque.  I was disappointed but agreed.  My fiancé and I gave her the list of the invitees and now she says that she has family in town, about six people, who she is including at the dinner.  She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them.  I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant.  Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner.  My fiancé and I agree that this OUR wedding and we should be able to have things the way WE want them.  She has no right to dictate to us.  I don't want my mother in law to walk all over me.  I think I deserve an apology.

Dear Bridezillas reject,

It is difficult you answer your letter without having an irony hernia, but here goes: you put your mother-in-law in charge of the dinner, then make demands on the guest list, and then accuse her of being interfering.  I also like that you capitalized "our" and "we" for me so I didn't need to go out of my way to point out how self-absorbed you are being (although I'm doing it anyway, because, well, you are being incredibly self-absorbed).  

Seriously: you are going to start your marriage with a rift between yourself and your mother-in-law over 6 additional in-laws at the rehearsal dinner? Do you have any idea the amount of compromise it takes to make a marriage work? Well, I guess not.  Hey, who's hosting the divorce dinner?

Dear Mrs. Web OC,

A former co-worker called and asked for a favor.  When he was with the company, he (ahem!) "borrowed" some old office equipment from storage.  He now wants me to return it for him.  What should I do?  Put it back?  Inform my boss?

Dear tattle-tale,

Oh, boo hoo, what should I do? Put it back you pussy. I bet you used to be a hall monitor, too.  Did you keep your sash, or did you return it at the end of the term?

Dear Mrs. Web OC,

My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good.  I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me.  What do I do?

Dear hanger-on,

There actually is an answer to this.  If you truly want to make sure that you stay friends with your definitely-going-to-be famous best friend, you need to look up a word in the dictionary: sycophant. Learn that word and you'll be all set.  Sure, you could be true to yourself and if you are truly friends then it won't matter what happens, but why take that risk?

Dear Mrs. Web OC,

My fiancé has just told me that he is bisexual.  He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now.  I cried all night.  I have many self-esteem problems.  He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would end the relationship.  However, he is glad that I haven't.  He promises me he will be true.  What should I do?

Dear bye-sexual (see what I did there? that's a pun),

This letter confuses me.  The implication in your letter seems to be that because he's bisexual, this makes him unable to remain faithful to you.  That seems to me, on its face, ridiculous.

However, I thought more about this.  Why is he telling you? If he was gay, it would be one thing.  Sweetheart, your genitals are not actually interesting to me.  I'm looking for something more penis-y.  Fine, I get that.  But why tell you? No, no, I still love girls, but I'm also pretty keen on penis, too.  That'd be like me telling my wife, no no, I still love you, but I'm also pretty keen on other girls, too.  The only reason to bring that up is because I'm testing the waters.  He's testing the waters.  The you and him and another penis waters.  Tread lightly.

(See what I did there? Water metaphor.  Also, dump him.)

Dear Mrs. Web OC,

My daughter lives out of town, and is expecting her first child.  We would like to give her a baby shower but she cannot attend.  How does one go about giving a baby shower without the mother-to -be present?

Dear special needs mom who can't figure out the simplest things for herself,

One sends gift cards.