Start at: Red Bank, NJ
End at: Houston, TX

Pimped out ride: 14' U-Haul towing the sketchy VW (approx 25' long total)

Total distance traveled: Approx. 1700 miles
Number of states: 10 (NJ, DE, MD, VA, TN, GA, AL, MI, LA, TX)
Gasoline used: 192.6 gallons
Efficiency: 8.8 miles per gallon (gah!!)
Money spent on gasoline: $758
Average $$/gallon: $3.94
Driving time: 34 hours (over 3 days)
Average speed: 50 mph (including breaks - not too shabby)
Number of crosses seen from the highway at least 40' high: 5
Number of times animals got sick in the car: 0 (really! good job Frankie!)
Number of cans of dog food Suzi opened and then left somewhere in the truck until it smelled horribly: 1
Number of ridiculously torrential downpours driven through: 5 (seriously, WTF weather)

Okay, the rest of these aren't exactly numbers, but whatev.

Favorite sign seen from the road: Blacks Run

Story from the trip I will never get tired of telling:

Everything was ready to go.  The car was hitched to the van, our things were packed, the animals were in the car.  I hop in the driver's seat, and start pulling out of the driveway...

CRASHBLAMCRACKPOWSNAP

Oh sweet Jesus tittyfucking Christ what was that.

It was the trailer un-hitching itself from the van.  The dolly is laying on the driveway with the car still on it, and there is no way to get the ramps down to get the car back off.  The driveway is entirely blocked, and there is already a line of cars behind me wanting to get out.  Where is everyone going all of a sudden? Where did they come from?

They day has already been stressful, but now I am stressed worse than Kirstie Alley's pants.  Thankfully, one of the guys waiting to get out of the parking lot was a decent human being (as you know, a rarity in New Jersey) and started helping me extricate myself.  Urge to kill... fading... fading...

While we are out there working, I notice a woman walk to the dumpster and start rooting through like a hobo.  Which is strange, because there aren't any homeless people in Red Bank.  What was she doing? Whatever, I don't care, let's just get the car down.

"Is this yours?"

I turn around, and the hobo is holding a hand-held vac, a cardboard box, and a VCR.  She must be new to being homeless.  Things that people have put in the dumpster are up for grabs, she can take what she wants.  "Why?"

"This isn't household garbage.  You can't throw this away here."

Urge to kill... rising...

I go back to what I'm doing, while Suzi starts talking to her.  "Can't you see we are dealing with a situation here? Is this really necessary?"  Indignation turns to anger. She's not dropping it.  She wants us to take the items out of the garbage.  We're going to be fined.  Fine, fine us.  We don't care.  We're leaving.  That doesn't satisfy her.  She's still standing there.  Anger to frustration. 

Suzi gets frustrated, but I don't.  I just get angrier.  And, well, some might say I lost it, but I wouldn't.  I definitely made a decision that this had gone on long enough, and I was now going to be an asshole to this woman.

"Listen: we are not taking the garbage.  You can leave it in the dumpster, you can fine us, or you can throw it around on the street, or you can shove it up your ass. I don't care.  Do you not see us dealing with a problem here?"

That felt pretty good, but it wasn't enough.  I'm still getting lip.  I'm going to need to take it to another level.

"Hey! We. Are. Not. Taking. It.  GO. FUCK. YOURSELF."

That did it.  She drags the garbage after her back up the parking lot, to her garage.  Nope, she doesn't just throw it back in the dumpster, she stores it in her garage. 

We got this letter two days later forwarded to us by our former landlord.

Hi Vern

 

I left a message on your phone.  Your tenant moved out yesterday and we have issued 2 fines.  One for blocking the driveway entrance (when told to move, they were nasty).  $25.00

 

Secondly, they left a bunch of non household items in the dumpster (3 area rugs, wire basket, vcr, handheld vac, large box).  These items were removed and placed in a garage.  You have been fined $50.00 for these items.  You will also be charged a removal fee, unless you want to remove them yourself.  You have until tomorrow night (Monday night) to remove these items, otherwise we will have them remove and charge you for this service. 

 

Please let me know if you plan on picking these items up so we can make the proper arrangements for access to the garage.

 

Thank you.

Diana

Springview Gardens

You see, she wasn't just any run of the mill dumpster diving hobo.  She does it professionally.

Suzi wants to just pay the fines and be done with it.  I want to take a picture of my junk and send that instead.  We'll probably just pay the fines.  In a way, though, I guess it works out. If not for all that, I might have actually missed New Jersey.