June 2008 Archives

Well, ladies and gents, it is time for me to sign off for a few days.  Don't worry, OC.net will be back before you know it.  More than likely, it'll be back before you even know it is gone.  Wait, why do I bother writing this website again?

Anyway, we'll be back sometime late next week.  Until then, enjoy...

Some things to know about Kanye West:

1) He has a blog.

2) Once in awhile, he actually writes something that hasn't been proofread (or just posted directly) by his publicist.

3) The way to tell the difference is that, when Kanye posts something himself, it is exactly like something a 15-year-old girl might post if people were saying nasty things about her.

4) The problem? People said mean things about him on the internet after a fiasco at a concert where he didn't go on until well after 4 in the morning. 

4) Kanye only knows how to express his rage via capslock, excessive use of exclamation points, and product placement.

"I am  sick of negative  people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall... Why????"

"I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"

"PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR  
LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE'RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Those exclamations are all Kanye's. I did not add a single one.  I swear. I'd get him to tell you himself, but the West has locked himself in his room and won't come out.

For awhile, I figured my little blog would fly entirely below the radar for all of eternity.  Turns out, that wasn't entirely correct.  There is one other blogger out there that has read one of my articles, and two that have at least read the headlines.  They are my new ObscureFriends!

The first one is way overdue... Rick Valenzuela at medicineagency.com gave me my first ever Internet shout out after my most popular ever article about Alexis and her Sweet 16 party.  PS: Alexis, if you are out there, I hope you had a grand time.  Actually, I hope you had a 15 grand time.

Next, Steve Rhodes over at The Beachwood Reporter enjoyed my headline on the Citi ad "Redecorating." I quite enjoyed this line from Steve: "[H]e became just another guy who looks like his mom dresses him." 

And finally, Wired could probably do an article rating the websites which took the time to rip on their foray into the science of carbon footprints, including thinkprogress.org, where I was cited as part of the outraged liberal internet chorus. That's right - I'm part of the liberal mob now! Sweet.

Thoreau would be so proud.

Texas, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean the things I said about you the other night.  It's just that I was alone in my hotel room, and the TV was really blurry, and there wasn't any regular Law and Order on, only that crappy SVU version (I expect this kind of crap from you, Ice-T, but Richard Belzer? Where are your standards, sir.)

So, I'm here to apologize in the only way I know how: with a t-shirt. Friends?

I needed to get that off my chest, Texas, because there is something much more important to talk about.  See, I learned something in the last couple of days.  When you have a disagreement with someone, you shouldn't hurt them with your words.  Take, for example, Cody Martin and Matt Hill, two Georgia high school baseball players.  They understand that the only way to make someone understand your side of a disagreement is to hit them in the face with a baseball.


Baseball has the power to teach us many lessons.  For example, when you hit someone in the face with a baseball on the street, it is assault.  But between those two magical white lines, its just another way of getting your point across.  In this case, the point was "I'm an entitled high school athlete having a hissy fit because of your choice of strike zone."

And sure, the catcher would protest after the game that it was a cross-up; in baseball terms, that mean you expected the pitcher to throw one pitch, and he threw another, rendering him unable to catch it.  In fact, he was so surprised that he just dropped to his knees in shock while the ball sailed past him.  Cross-ups, of course, do happen.  For example, you put down one index finger, which is the sign for a fastball, but the pitcher saw one middle finger, which is the sign to hit the umpire in the face. 

The pitcher obviously had a point, though.  How could the umpire call that last pitch a ball? He clearly has pinpoint control.  Here, let him show you with a baseball in your face.

1. Football! High school football, college football, NFL football, pee-wee football, fetus football, geriatric football, and futbol.

2. Central time! All those shows that say 8/7c? Well we're in the 7c! All your favorite shows are on an hour early.  No more waiting until 8 o'clock for prime-time to distract you from paying attention to your spouse.  Haha, actually I'm kidding.  I start watching TV as soon as I get home anyway.

3. ...

4. Give me a second...

5. Tornadoes! Those are exciting...

6. Um...






Please don't leave me here by myself. They put the state of Texas on everything. EVERYTHING.  You saw the waffle, right? It's like that, but everywhere.  You have to drive 15 miles to get to a Dunkin' Donuts.  And why is everyone so goddamned friendly? It's really freaking me out.  What do you want from me, guy at the rental car counter? Just give me the car! Aaaauaaaaghgh!








7. Oh, they have a really awesome highway system here.  Really great. Yeah.

About a month ago, I commented on the impending ridiculousness that is the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, where people say things like "There appears to be an event happening" and "I'm a teacher!" and stand around motionless in parks for no apparent reason.  But then I saw a commercial where a man lay down in front of a thresher, and another man fed himself to lions in a zoo, and it made me laugh.  And I thought to myself, "Hey, this looks kind of like the Final Destination movies...  I like those... and the Suze likes these kinds of movies, maybe this will be one I could tolerate and I could earn some Suze points..."

Well, here's the good part: I have found a movie that can be summarized without words, but with a single image:

Now, stare at that image for the next 90 minutes. Study the creases of Marky Mark's furrowed brow, and the blankness of his stare.  Make his confusion your confusion.  Make his flared nostrils your flared nostrils. Also...

Begin spoiler alert:

The grass is trying to kill him. 

Hahaha, funny joke.  No, not funny! That's the plot of the movie.  Grass and trees and shit make everyone kill themselves for some reason.  I'm sure M. thought he was making some deep commentary on global warming and environmentalism, and Lord knows he isn't the first to try and fail. 

There's no crazy twist ending to talk about afterwards, no interesting deaths that weren't spoiled in the commercials, and no nudity.  It's Mark Wahlberg, staring at you with a furrowed brow in a Pennsylvania field for 90 minutes while the grass tries to kill him.

End of spoiler. 

If you skipped over the spoilers, go back and read them, and save yourself the trouble of seeing this movie. 

PPS: afterwards, Suzi and I were in a store in the mall, and she said a little too loudly as we discussed the movie: "you should blog about it!" and I wanted to kill myself.  So there's that. 

Yes, I know I already told you to watch "So You Think You Can Dance", but that was before Comfort. 

Oh, sweet Comfort.  Everytime she opens her mouth, ghetto gold falls out.



That lame dude that is dancing with her (I already forgot his name) should thank his lucky gay stars that he got himself a ride on the Comfort wagon.  The last time I saw someone have less sexual chemistry with a woman in lingerie, bachelor Greg ended up with an orange stain on his pants from the dancer's fake tan. 

You probably can't tell on the YouTube clip, but she had a nipple slip during the dance in her "bra and panties and beads" that went un-remarked on.  I bet her entire boob could have fallen out and she might not have noticed.  She is easily my favorite reality show contestant since Kathleen "I know, right?" Dujour from America's Next Top Model. She has the same combination of no self-consciousness, honesty, and ghetto-ness.




So, how far can this Comfort ride last? Her jive wasn't very good on Wednesday, but she sailed through the eliminations last night.  Still, I imagine at some point her reluctance to dance with people lookin at her all seckshooalay is going to catch up with her, so tune in now while you can.

Loved reading this article on the proposed carbon tax.  Quick primer: a carbon tax is a proposed method of controlling carbon emissions by taxing individuals and corporations for every pound of carbon they emit.  A cap-and-trade system institutes caps on how much carbon can be emitted, and people who wish to go over their limits can purchase additional carbon emissions from those who are not using up to their cap.  Got it? No? Whatever, you don't need to get it to enjoy the hysterical reaction from this conservative author.  Instead of making you read the whole thing, I will instead offer some wonderful quotes:

"The sheer chutzpah it takes to even offer such a thing is breathtaking, matched only by how frightened we all should be by the sheer economic destruction it would inevitably cause and the loss of freedom to which it would directly lead."

"This is simply a direct frontal assault on freedom, standards of living and America as we have known it. For, you see, this is cloaked in the cover of "being green," which is the most dangerous movement in politics today. Why is it the most dangerous? Primarily because it has no opposition whatsoever, so gutless and cowardly are all politicians in the face of the Sierra Club and their fellow enviro-wackos."

"No one has the guts to tell these tree-hugging lunatics where to shove their CF light bulb mandates, their all-consuming hatred of the car and, most of all, their cult-like blind belief in non-existent global warming as the universal justification for this blatant government thuggery."

"When the Cold War had a lull starting in 1989 - let's disabuse ourselves of the naïve notion that it ever ended - the remaining believers in Marxism found a home in the far-left environmental crowd. ... Fast forward to 2008, and Big Green (or Big Red, if you prefer) is now the monster ready to swallow the U.S. economy and radically remake society in their totalitarian and anti-human image."

I don't intend to offer a point by point counterargument to every ridiculous thing he said, since that would be a waste of my precious time. Instead, please enjoy this clip from The Producers - imagine that Zero Mostel is playing the role of environmentalists, and Gene Wilder that of the author.