April 2008 Archives

Today we get follow-ups to two stories that ObscureCraft has been tracking.  First, I'm sure you remember reading the first sentence of my "Word Problems" feature on the gas-tax holiday before getting bored, so I'll give you the short version: John McCain wants to suspend the national gas tax for the summer, because he is a stupid old man who can't do math.  It turns out that the state of New York is also governed by stupid old men who can't do math.  

State senators Andrew Lanza, Charles Fuschillo, and Joe Robach, sponsored a bill to suspend the 32.5 cent per gallon gas between Memorial Day and Labor Day.  As a result, I am taking up a collection: if I get $60 in pledges, I will send each of these senators a copy of this book with the following note.

Dear Senator: 

It has come to my attention, based on your recent legislation to suspend the gasoline tax for the summer season, that you are poor at math.  Because I feel it is important that our elected officials be able to solve basic math problems, I have sent you the enclosed book.  Take the time you would spend today writing horrible legislation and work through this book, and I guarantee that your math skills will greatly improve.  Only 20 minutes a day to success!  After you are done, your homework is to write a paragraph on why a gas tax holiday is a retarded idea.

I will start the pot with $10.  And I don't even have a job!  Anybody else in?

----

And finally:  Monday, I brought you up to speed on the Miley Cyrus photo scandal.  Well, today, I found this on the internets. That is what I call a photo scandal. 

Just click it.  Don't make me explain the disturbing, disturbing image found inside.  Miley Cyrus may not owe me an apology, but whoever created this Disney-related advertisement does.  Because I am upset.  I'm going to go take another shower now.

Everywhere we go in New Jersey I see Boylan Soda.  Is that made around here or something?

Yes, although the reason you probably notice it everywhere, the Suze, is that Boylan soda has an awesome looking retro-style label.



According to the company's website, Boylan is located in Moonachie, New Jersey, about an hour drive north from Red Bank.  They have previously been headquartered in Haledon and Clifton, also in New Jersey.  Their signature product is birch beer, developed over 100 years ago by William Boylan in Paterson, New Jersey.  If their birch beer is sold in Paterson today, it is probably as a 40-ounce.

And what exactly is birch beer? Why is it called beer? Is it made out of birch trees?

Close.  Birch beer is a soft drink distilled from the sap of birch trees.  There are distinct flavors of the beer, depending on the specific species of birch tree that the sap is drawn from.  The distillation process used to make birch beer (or root beer, or ginger ale) is similar to the process that beer is made from.  In fact, these kinds of soft drinks even have alcohol in them. Just not very much.  The length of distillation dictates the level of alcohol, and birch beers are less than one percent alcohol by volume (not even enough to get me drunk).

When Suzi wrote her op-ed piece responding to the "Bare Ass In Red Bank" article in the triCity News, ObscureCraft.net starting showing up in some interesting web searches, including: "men with bare red arses" (from the UK), "bare ass women in skirts" (from the US), and "bare ass waiters" (from Estonia? this one I don't get. Is there some fetish in Estonia for naked waiters?) Goddamn internet is full of pervs.  So you'll excuse my reluctance for putting the words "Miley Cyrus" and "partly nude photo" anywhere near each other.

But that's what the world has its panties all bunched up about today.  Little 15-year-old Miley Cyrus, who plays "Hannah Montana" on the Disney Channel and will generate $1 billion in revenue for the Disney empire this year, had her picture taken, and her shoulder was showing.  That resulted in the following cover for the New York Post.



And I don't care specifically about what Miley Cyrus does with her life one way or the other.  I really don't.  If she wants to be a little corporate mouthpiece, more power too her.  I'm sure she's able to dry her tears long enough to endorse her checks.  But it doesn't shake the frustration I feel at the hypocrisy.  Our Puritanical roots are showing. 

Miley better watch out: this episode of South Park is one step closer to coming true.

So far, we've covered a few of my favorite slang terms used in the game of bridge.  Time to get into some meat and potatoes.

There are two phases to every bridge hand.  The first one is the bid.  The goal during bidding is to tell your partner has much about your hand as possible, so that the partnership is able to get into the correct contract.  Many tools have been developed over the year by bridge nerds to relay this information through the proper structure of the game (as opposed to coffeehousin').  The first of these bidding conventions you should learn is called Blackwood.

Blackwood is super-simple.  Think you have enough points to play for a slam? Time for Blackwood!

Oh, wait, we don't know what points are yet? Or slams? Right.  There is so much slang in bridge that some of it can't be defined without defining other slang.  Okay, real quick:

Points: a means of evaluating hand strength. You assign yourself points based on the value of face cards.  1 point for every jack, 2 for queens, 3 for kings, 4 for aces.

Slam: If you bid and win 6 tricks over book, you win a small slam.  7 tricks over book is a grand slam.  You get bonus points for hitting a slam, plus you are the bridge pimp daddy supreme.

What? You don't know what book is? Jesus Christ.

Book: The first 6 tricks that are won by the bidding partnership is called the "book".  You only get points for those tricks you win over book, i.e. after you win the first 6.  Okay? Can we get back to business please?

So, you may have enough POINTS to bid for a SLAM, but you want to make sure.  Wouldn't it be great to know how many aces and kings your partner had? Well, you could ask him straight up, but the opponents might protest.  Bitches.  Easley Blackwood, Sr. had enough of these bitches, so he came up with a way to ask that was totally legal-like.  

Instead of saying, "Partner, how many aces do you have?" Blackwood decided he would bid 4 NT (no-trump).  Why 4NT?  

* 4NT is one more trick than is necessary to win a game, so there is never any reason to bid it unless you are trying for a slam.

* At the 4 level, you have a chance to bail out of your slam try if you don't like your partners answer, and just bid at the 5-level instead of 6 or 7.

So now your partner has asked you for aces.  You can't just say it out loud, right? Instead, say it with bidding.  Replying 5C means "I have zero or 4 aces, so look in your hand, and if you see an ace, I'm telling you I have zero.  And honestly, if you don't have an ace, what business do you have trying a slam bid, anyway?"  Replying 5D means 1 ace, 5H means 2 aces, and 5S means 3 aces.

Now you know how many aces the two partners have.  And maybe you say, "shit, we only have 2 aces, better not go any further," and you bid the proper suit at the 5 level.  (Note that you can get boned here: if your partner replies 5D, and you wanted to play in clubs, you are now obligated to go to the 6 level.  Be very careful playing for a slam in a minor suit.) Or maybe you say, "hell yes, we have all the aces, motherfuckers! You can call me Denny's, cause I'm serving up a slam!"

But should you go for a small slam, or a grand slam? Sure would be nice to know how many kings your partner had to back up all your aces, right? Easy! Bid 5NT.  Response works the same way: 6C means 0 or 4 kings, 6D means 1 king, 6H means 2 kings, and 6S means 3 kings.  Finally: bid at the 6 or 7 level in your slam suit, and remember to shove it in your opponents stupid faces.

If the existence of this store was not enough evidence of the active child spoiling going on in Red Bank, I offer this conversation I overheard today at Zebu's in Red Bank:

Small child: [reaching for brownie on the counter] "I want it.  I want it."

Bad father: "No, no brownies."

Small child: [takes brownie off the counter] "I want it.  I want it."

Bad father: [takes brownie away] "Don't touch that, it's not yours."

Small child: "I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"

Bad father: [returns brownie to child] "Okay."

I'm not really in the habit of using this blog as a personal diary, but today I'm going to make an exception.  Yesterday was probably my last day of work for Millennium Cell.  Yes, that is more than a little sad.  The saddest part was that there is a small chance that the company will find further financing, so at the end of work yesterday people were still playing the "see you in a couple of weeks" card, instead of the more honest, "well, I'll probably never see you again, have a nice life" card.  So, what would be the best way to celebrate my end of employment? How about basketball and cheesesteaks?

Jim and I were in the front row of the top deck in the Wachovia Center last night to watch the Sixers romp all over the Pistons. Some highlights:

- Jim, of course, had to roll up in there with his camera and 17 different lenses. But this time, it helped him make a friend! The tattooed guy in the sleeveless jersey and his slightly slutty, hot after a few drinks girlfriend in the Iverson jersey-dress had Jim take their picture, and by the end of the night he was calling Jim "bro".

- My pretzel cost $4.  Wait, is that a highlight when you are unemployed? I'm so confused.

- After the game, Sixers fans roamed through the halls of the Wachovia Center in competing mobs.  One group was chanting for Reggie Evans.  Another was spreading a rumor about Detroit, and how they suck.  My favorite group, though, was the group of 20-30 Sixers fans following the guy in a Pistons jersey, chanting and pointing: "Ass-hole! Ass-hole! Ass-hole!" You could hear them coming down the hallway, and as they passed, I saw the Pistons fan holding his fists up in the air defiantly, accepting the vitriol that was raining down on him.  I thought the Sixers fans would wear themselves out, but no, I could hear them chanting with as much energy as ever as they faded out of earshot.

- Honestly? There's a place in Red Bank called "Willy's" that makes cheesesteaks that are just as good as any that I can get in Philly now, although they have less neon.

I'm sure you've heard enough about ethanol.  Wait, actually, since I bet nobody read my last two entries, you probably haven't heard enough about ethanol. Well, too bad! Because I'm done talking about it.  Instead, I'm going to show you my latest project.  I took some photographs I made and then played with them in Photoshop. 

Now, I've been to photo shows and seen photographs that have been digitally modified, and they often look terrible.  However, I think they look terrible because "digitally modified" means "applied Photoshop filter".  I assure you that is not what I did here.  I used the paintbucket tool. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 

Do you like them? I actually think they came out really cool.  Let me know what you think, because I love affirmation like a fat kid love cake.

Previously, on ObscureBlog:

Ethanol sucks.  To be more specific, let's explore the effectiveness of ethanol as a renewable resource. 

Fundamentally, all energy, except for nuclear energy, comes from the sun (the great nuclear reactor in the sky).  Fossil fuels are a means of extracting solar energy that fell on the earth millions of years ago.  However, this solar energy reserve is running out.  We need to come up with ways of converting the solar energy that is falling onto the earth today into energy we can use without waiting the millions of years it takes for the generation of oil, coal, and natural gas beneath the earth.  Here are some numbers to start:

The intensity of solar radiation is 1 kW/m^2.  That means, if you had a 100% efficient solar converter, for every square meter of land it covered, you would get one kilowatt of power.   If that sunlight was collected for an hour, you would have one kilowatt-hour of energy.  Power is a measure of rate - how fast you've gone - and energy is a measure of quantity - how far you've gone.  With me so far?

However! This solar radiation is on a surface perpendicular to the sun.  If you have your collector on a flat surface at all times, you must correct for the incoming angle of the radiation.  This is why you are cold in the winter, when the sun angle is low, and warm in the summer, when the sun angle is high.  Science!

In addition to the effect of the angle of the incoming solar rays (called the "cosine effect"), you must also consider the length of each day and the typical amount of cloud cover in the area where your collector is located.  Fortunately, there is a government agency whose job it is to determine these things for us - the National Renewable Energy Laboratory.  Your tax dollars at work.

So, we can get all the information we need to calculate how much solar energy falls on the corn.  Now we need to know some things about corn.  Specifically:

When is it planted, and how long does it take to grow?
It depends on the area.  We are going to use Iowa as our test region, so we will say planting day is roughly on April 1st.  The time it takes to grow depends on the variety.  We will use 80 days as an estimate.

How much land is required to get us a single bushel?
In 2007, Iowa farmers harvested 2.5 billion bushels on 13.9 million acres, for a land-usage average of 180 bushels per acre.  Doing some math gets us to 1 bushel per 22.5 square meters.

How much ethanol do we get from a single bushel?
2.7 gallons per bushel, per the Department of Agriculture.
 
How much energy is in that amount of ethanol?
76,000 BTU per gallon, or roughly 60 kWh per bushel.



Let me pause here to make an observation.  Many people reading this by now will be completely confused; if they aren't confused yet, they will be by the end.  That is because energy is complicated unnecessarily.  Let's take a quick look at some of the power and energy units we encounter in our daily lives.

* Kilowatt hours (kWh) - this is how you are charged for electricity energy on your utility bill
* Therms - this is how you are charged for natural gas energy on your utility bill
* British Thermal Units (BTUs) - commonly used as a power rating for air conditioners
* Gallons of gasoline - energy you put into your car
* Barrels of oil - energy put into gasoline to put into your car
* Joules - standard metric unit for energy
* Erg - energy unit commonly found in crossword puzzles
* Horsepower - a unit of power used to rate car engines
* Calorie - energy unit used in food

If you want to be an educated consumer of energy, you should know what these (and other) units mean, and how they compare... I smell another Word Problem. Anyway, moving on.

We will use Des Moines, Iowa as our example location, since we used to only hear about ethanol subsidies at the beginning of each election cycle for the Iowa caucuses.  According to data from the Renewable Resource Data Center (a part of NREL), Des Moines, Iowa, typically sees 257.5 kWh per square meter for the 80-day period that starts on April 1st. 

All the hard work is done, so let's see what we get:

1 bushel requires 22.5 square meters.  If each square meter receives 257.5 kWh worth of solar energy, 1 bushel receives 5800 kWh.  From each bushel that is converted into ethanol, we get 60 kWh worth of energy.  This is a conversion efficiency of just over 1%. For comparison's sake, the worst solar panels - you know, the ones you refuse to put on your house because they are ugly - get 10%.  Corn is 10 times worse at converting sunlight into energy as the worst photovoltaics. 

Today's question: "Should we be using ethanol as a replacement fuel for oil?"




As it turns out, the "Word Problems column is becoming "Hippie Jesse and his Groovetactular Enviro-Mania".  Don't worry, I'm sure we'll fix the environment soon and I can move on to another topic to obsess over.  As for the question at hand: the answer is yes if you are a corn grower or oil company, no if you enjoy eating food.

The price of food is on the rise, and one of the causes could be biofuels, according to a UN expert and an Asian development bank.

Wait, wait, wait.  You are saying that if we stop using corn for food, and start using it to drive our trucks around, we're going to run out of corn to eat?

Uh, no shit.

This is where I would usually spend some space doing the math, but a little searching revealed that somebody had already done the work for me - last summer.  This excellent Slate article from last June, titled "The Great Corn Con," details everything that is wrong with trying use ethanol to replace oil as a transportation fuel.  Here are a few choice details:

"[Last June], the Senate passed an energy bill mandating the production of 36 billion gallons of ethanol per year by 2022--a sevenfold increase over current levels."

"According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, distillers can produce about 2.7 gallons of ethanol per bushel of corn. In 2006, U.S. farmers produced about 10.5 billion bushels of the grain. So, even if Congress mandated that all of America's corn be turned into ethanol, it would yield only about 28.3 billion gallons, far less than the mandated volume."

I'm going to briefly pause here to re-iterate the author's point: all the corn in the United States cannot generate enough ethanol to meet the Congressional mandate in the last energy bill.  All the corn. ALL OF IT. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING, EVERYBODY.  Continuing:

"Thirty-six billion gallons of ethanol a year sounds like a lot, but it's only 2.34 million barrels per day. And given ethanol's lower heat content--about two-thirds that of gasoline--the effective production would be equivalent to 1.54 million barrels of oil per day. The United States uses nearly 21 million barrels of oil per day, of which 12.54 million barrels are imported. Thus, even if American ethanol producers can miraculously achieve the Senate's goal of 36 billion gallons per year by 2022, they will be producing the equivalent of just 7.4 percent of America's total current oil needs and just 12.2 percent of its imports. That quantity of ethanol will not take America very far toward the oft-repeated goal of energy independence."

I will repeat again: even IF we took ALL of the goddamn corn and made it into ethanol, we'd still only be displacing 12% of the oil that we import every year.  Sometimes I think Congress passes legislation just to fuck with me. 

So why does anyone even bother in the first place? What exactly is going on? If you ask me, it looks like a way for politicians to look like they are doing something for the environment without actually risking the status quo.  But what do I know, just because I can do basic arithmetic.  Let's move on, because there is another important reason that ethanol sucks more balls than the machine at the batting cages.

Oil, as you should know, is a fossil fuel.  There is only a certain amount in the earth, and once it is gone, it is gone forever.  However, ethanol is a renewable resource.  We can keep growing that corn.  But where does the energy in the corn come from? Like all (non-nuclear) energy, it comes from the sun.  So when you grow corn and turn it into ethanol, you are turning your field into a large solar collector and converting solar energy into stored energy.  But how efficient is it?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

State Farm has pulled its anti-bike commuter ad from the airwaves.  Here is an excerpt from their press release, via Streetsblog:

As I mentioned in an earlier comment, I am sorry the advertisement offended anyone. Our intention with this particular ad was to recognize and empathize with the everyday challenge of high gas prices, and suggest that State Farm could help by providing lower auto insurance rates than a person may be receiving from their current provider.

...

During the past few days, I discussed the perception of this advertisement with others at State Farm, and we decided the right thing to do would be to discontinue it. We will remove this ad as quickly as possible from the current rotation schedule.

But not to worry, insurance companies! As long as one of you keeps stepping up to fill the void with an ad that depicts bike commuting as horrible, shameful, and humiliating, one of you will always have a place on my enemies list.  State Farm is stepping down, but Farmers Insurance is stepping up.  Behold!

I made my first Craigslist postings today!  I just bought a Fuji S5, so I'm selling the old Canon Digital Rebel.  It's been a real good camera to me, but its time to move on.  Someday, I hope you understand, camera. 

Check out the Craigslist postings here and here (I'm selling the zoom lens separately).  If anybody reading this is interested let me know, and maybe we can work out a "I read your blog" discount.

Remember in school when you would get questions like this:

A train leaves Chicago at 6:45 going 50 miles per hour.  Another train leaves Detroit at 5:15 going 70 miles per hour.  If its 400 miles between the two cities, where do the trains meet? (Answer: Fuck you teacher!!!)

Well, turns out, you were right when you said you would never need to know how to do that.  Turns out word problems are much harder than that.  Things are not so simplified; you are not given all the information; and, most of the time, you don't even know the question being asked of you is a math problem.  This recurring feature will aim to highlight when a topic in the news is actually a word problem, and then I will try to solve it.

Today's question:  Should I be in favor of John McCain's proposed "gas-tax" holiday?

The answer actually depends on who you are.  I will attempt to answer it from several points of view.  Here are some facts that should be considered with each answer.

The current gas tax is 18.4 cents per gallon (24.4 cents per gallon on diesel fuel).
Estimates peg the value of this tax to the US government at $10 billion.
As of this writing, the national average cost of gasoline is $3.39.
As of this writing, oil costs $113 per barrel.

Here is the answer if you are bad at math:

$3.39 - $0.18 = $3.21, therefore, cheaper gas! Hooray!

Here is the answer if you are good at math:

I'm an average American.  I consume 500 gallons of gas per year.  During the summer months, I'll consume roughly 30% of this gasoline, or 150 gallons.  Therefore, this tax reduction will personally save me about $27 this year.  Uh, that's pretty good, I guess.  Hope the government didn't need that $10 billion dollars for anything.

Here is the answer if you are an economist:

The average driver reduces consumption in response to rising prices once prices cross approximately $2.50 per gallon.  Decreasing the price per gallon should result in higher consumption.  Per gallon spending drops, but overall spending on fuel will remain roughly constant.  Therefore, the effect of this tax will be to remove $10 billion from the federal budget, and transfer those funds to the gasoline and oil industry.

Here is the answer if you are the gasoline industry:

Sweet, we're going to make another $10 billion dollars this summer.

The spot: a woman stands in her living room while her husband relaxes on the couch.  In voiceover, she explains how something doesn't feel right.  A home improvement montage follows: purchasing nicknacks, a new carpet, painting the walls, all paid for with her Citi card.  Her husband can be glimpsed on the couch throughout, relaxing or working on his computer while she redecorates.  Finally, she realizes: "It wasn't the room, so I used the cash I got back to redecorate my husband." We watch as she purchases new clothes and he models his new khaki pants, shirt and sweater combo.  Finally satisfied, she sits on the couch with her husband after he pauses to relocate one of the new nicknacks on the coffeetable.
 




I imagine this ad being written by the cast of Mad Men, sitting around their luxuriously appointed offices, smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey at 11 o'clock in the morning. 

"So, gentlemen, we've got this new credit card account.  They say they want to target this one at the dames. Let's brainstorm: what is it women like to do?"

"Shopping!" "Redecorating!" "Spending their husbands' money!"

[laughter fills the room]

"Being controlling!" "Dressing up and then just sitting around the house!"

I'm not sure how else to explain how one advertisement was able to fit so many horrible female stereotypes into a single spot.  They probably held off filming until the actress was menstruating just to make sure they got the attitude right.

According to a press release by Citi, this spot, called "Redecorate", is part of a new ad campaign to promote people using their Citi Cards "to enjoy new experiences and create stories of their lives".  If you are a woman, the story of your life is that you are a shallow, henpecking shrew who can't stand the sight of her husband relaxing at home in a sweatshirt and jeans. 

Jesus Christ, lady, the guy obviously has to work hard to sustain your chronic redecorating habit, would you please let him relax on the weekends? Why does he need to be dressed like he's going to a J. Crew catalog shoot?  The ad tries to subvert the controlling aspect of her behavior by showing him relocating a box on the table, as if to say, "See? He wants to take part in the redecorating, too." I choose to think he was going to use that box to bash her face in, but reconsidered at the last moment.  It's open to interpretation.

During my recent expedition to the Amazon, I discovered a new species of land beast.  Its distinguishing characteristics are as follows:

- a bushy coat
- a sassy temperament

If this creature becomes agitated, it can be placated with episodes of The Hills or America's Next Top Model.  Agitation is noticeable by an inflation of the hair follicles.  Click here for some of my nature photography capturing the Puffersuze in the wild.  

If you are anything like me (and if you are reading it the chances are that you are), you have spent the last 10 years on the edge of your seat.   Well, scoot back, ladies and gentlemen, because the new X-Files movie has a name! Yes! Oh, the X-Files is awesome, this is gonna be so great.  Enough delay! What is the title?!

X-Files: I Want To Believe.

Did you hear that? Its the sound of me saying "What a stupid fucking title." You took 10 years to come up with the slogan on Mulder's poster in the first episode of the show? Look, my expectations were already rock bottom for this movie.  The show petered out so badly I still haven't seen the series finale (and don't really care to), Gillian Anderson must be 60 by now, and the last movie sort of sucked on its own terms.  You are not filling me with confidence, Chris Carter.

Well, its the guys who make electric cars.

Tesla Motors made a splash in 2006 with the Tesla Roadster, an all-electric sports car that was named Best Transportation Invention of the year by Time Magazine.   The good publicity continued when the Roadster escorted celebrities to the red carpet of the 2007 Oscars as part of a "green limo" service that included the Toyota Prius and cars that run on compressed natural gas.

These days on NBC, you can find 3 types of shows.  The first is Law and Order spinoffs (bing bing).  The second is single-camera, laugh track free comedies on Thursday night, like The Office and 30 Rock (which I love).  And the last is reality shows so low-concept that MTV rejected them as being tacky.  The Biggest Loser? American Gladiators? Its like they aren't even trying anymore.

30 Rock, which takes place behind-the-scenes at a sketch comedy show at (fictional) NBC, took dead-aim at the real mothership last Thursday in their first episode back from the writer's strike.  The episode took place in real time during the premiere of (fictional) NBCs newest reality show, MILF Island.  "20 MILFs, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."  Hilarious.

Well, I thought so.  You know who didn't think so? The New York Times.  You see, the F in MILF? That stands for fuck.  And the episode aired at 8:30 in the evening, which NBC had previously said would be the "family hour." So, there were families, and, and, F stands for fuck, and fuck is a bad word (you shouldn't say fuck no you shouldn't say fuck fuck no!).

Somebody over at the old grey lady needs to take a deep breath.

The general content of the "30 Rock" episode, however, appears to work against NBC's positioning of the show in its family hour, the 8 to 9 p.m. block of programming that Mr. Silverman said would consist of shows a family could watch together.

The contestants on the island-based reality-show-within-a-show on "30 Rock" are described as 20 "holy hot mamas," who are accompanied by 50 eighth-grade boys as they compete at tasks like "eating bugs to earn tampons." They square off in "Erection Cove," with the loser having to remove her bikini top and burn it in the fire.

Erections? Hot mamas? Bikinis? What is the world coming to these days.   

2003 was a very important year for me.  Why, you ask? Well, that was the year I graduated college, and Suzi and I got our first apartment together ... and the year I went to my first gay bar ... and the final installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy came to theaters.  But none of these explain the importance of 2003.  No, the reason is that, in April of 2003, Missy the cat was born.

Why is Missy so awesome? I will explain in analogy form.

Missy : your cat :: Empire Strikes Back : Phantom Menace

- and, for all the non-nerds out there -

Missy : other cats :: big titties : small titties

There, now everybody should understand.  So, without further delay, on the occasion of her 5th Birthday, I present to you, Missy the Cat: A Life In Pictures (Mostly Taken Within the Last Week)

The Suze asks: If Dikembe Mutombo is from Africa, how did he end up in the NBA?

For those that don't know, Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo is a 7 foot 2 inch tall NBA center who actually has the name I just wrote, I didn't make it up as a joke about how Africans have funny names. In addition to being one of the most dominant defensive players of all time and having a voice that sounds exactly like the Cookie Monster, Dikembe has one of the greatest track records for humanitarian work in all of professional sports. His crowning achievement is the Biamba Marie Mutombo Hospital, a $29 million, 300-bed hospital near his hometown of Kinshasa. Of the $29 million, $15 million was donated by Dikembe personally; the hospital is named in honor of his mother, who died of a stroke in 1997. What does this have to do with Dikembe, a native of the Congo, showing up in the NBA? Well, he originally showed up on the basketball radar at Georgetown, where he was attending school with hopes of becoming a doctor on a USAID scholarship. As fate would have it, John Thompson, the basketball coach at the time, just assumed that a 7 foot tall black man would be a good basketball player. What a racist.

And what is the origin of the word eavesdropping?

Well, I don't exactly see what the two questions have to do with each other, but whatever.  The original definition of eavesdrop is "place around a house where the rainwater drops off the roof" (from "eave", or roof overhang, and "drop", which is a, uh, drop). An eavesdropper would be someone who would stand at the walls or windows of a house to hear what's going on inside. This definition has since drifted away from someone standing at the walls to anyone who stands near a conversation to overhear what is being said. 

The Red Bank police have issued the following APB:

"Suspect is approximately 5"9', 250 pounds.  Buzz-cut blond hair, thick-rim glasses and a black trench coat.  Suspect is considered dangerous.  Do not approach alone.  This individual is suspected of the brutal murder and dismemberment of three residents.  If you have information, please contact us here."

When I woke up yesterday, my life seemed normal.  I biked to work, I sat down at my desk, and cruised the day's headlines while I drank my water.  And then what I saw changed me forever.  Because now baby's can have two faces.

Before it gets too stale I wanted to make a small comment on last week's episode of South Park.  If you missed it, then you missed a classic, if only for the amazing buddy-guy-friend exchange.  The episode takes on the Writers Guild of America for their poorly-conceived and even more poorly-executed strike, which was fought primarily over how writers would be compensated for the usage of their content on the internet.  Kyle delivers the moral of the episode in an (intentionally) rushed monologue declaring the internet an as-yet-untested means of delivering content for profit.

My only problem? If you follow the link above it takes you to South Park Studios, an online depository of South Park clips and full episodes, where you can enjoy the irony of "Canada On Strike", delivered to you on-line courtesy of LendingTree.com and the all-new 2009 Toyota Matrix.

Battlestar Galactica is the best show on television that you aren't watching.  (In the unlikely event that you are watching Battlestar Galactica, then 30 Rock is the best show on television you aren't watching.  If you are watching both of them, well, wanna be best friends?)  

In general, there are two kinds of science fiction - the kind that uses the framework of sci-fi to reflect and comment on our own society, and then there are Halo novelizations and Star Trek slash-fic. BSG is the first kind, except is also has special effects better than some feature films and sexy robots.  Really, really sexy robots.  I haven't been this attracted to a robot Rosie from the Jetsons.


A few thoughts on the Season 4 premiere of Battlestar Galactica from last Friday. If you haven't watched before, go buy or Netflix the DVDs from the first three season and watch them.  I'll wait.  All done? Okay, great.

- I now have SciFi HD for the first time.  This show looks frakkin' spectacular in HD. Edward James Olmos' face used to look like the surface of the moon, but in HD he looks like an English muffin.

- Yes, I'm going to use frak in place of all swear words when talking about BSG.  Suck it up, toaster-lover.

- Baltar may look like Jesus, and be worshipped like Jesus, but he sure gets alot more hot space-ass then Jesus.

- As good as this episode was, it answered zero questions that came up in the last season finale.  I'm fine with this, but:  there better be some answers this season.  How is Tigh a Cylon if he was fighting in the first Cylon war? What was with the Bob Dylan song in the finale? And, after 3 seasons, will we finally find out what the hell is up with Baltar's Head Six? 

- Of course, I have complete faith it will work out, but even if it doesn't, it won't change how much I have loved this show.

When I redesigned the site, I created my "Obscure friends" list as a way of letting all the friends of ObscureCraft share in all the traffic this site generates.  It has since come to my attention that the only people who read this site are the ones that are already Obscure friends.  Very well, then.  Instead of directing the masses to my friends, I will direct my friends to my enemies! Read that sentence again if you have to. 

I give you the inaugural class of my Obscure enemies list.

State Farm insurance
My feud with State Farm has already been well documented.  Indeed, the backlash is continuing to grow.  State Farm can work its way off this list with either a public flogging of the ad executive responsible, or maybe just an apology.  I haven't decided yet.

The Hater
As with State Farm, The Hater being added to my enemies list should not be news to anyone who reads this space regularly.  For posterity, here is photographic evidence of The Hater's crimes against me.



The Boston Red Sox

Don't click here.

Don't do it.

You were warned.

Courtesy of sister Rose, I give you: The Catch.

Ethics has an underrated role in science and engineering.  When the Challenger exploded despite advanced knowledge that booster rocket seals could fail in a cold weather launch, that was a clear-cut failure of engineering ethics.  While it may be fortunate that every ethical failure doesn't end with a billion dollar rocket exploding with 5 people inside, some that go less noted are even more damaging.  I recently watched a documentary of such a failure, "Who Killed The Electric Car?"  It turns out I did.  And so did you.

The short version: California passed a law in the late 90's requiring a certain percentage of all vehicles sold in California to be zero-emissions vehicles.  Faced with fighting the law or complying, American car companies decided to do both.  So, while taking the state to court, GM also developed and started leasing the EV1.  Other companies began following suit.  However, when George W. Bush won the White House, the car companies were able to get the federal government to back them in their lawsuit against California; the state finally caved and scrapped the law.  Rather then continue marketing and developing the electric car, which could potentially eat into sales of gas-guzzling, high margin SUVs, GM stopped production, recalled all vehicles when the leases ended, and crushed them into cubes.  You have 30 minutes to move your cube.



The irony? The Toyota Prius and Honda Insight hybrid vehicles were a direct result of the Japanese companies playing catch-up to a perceived threat from electric vehicles coming out of Detroit.  Instead, the short-sighted brass at GM squandered its technological and development head start with electric vehicles.  Now, gas will hit $4 per gallon this summer, "An Inconvenient Truth" is an Oscar-winner, and the Prius is a best-seller.

Instead of acknowledging the necessity of reducing carbon emissions, improving air quality, reducing oil imports from middle eastern autocracies and developing a lead in new technologies, American auto companies spent their money on lawyers and on marketing SUVs to soccer moms in the suburbs, all with the White House's backing.  

When the Challenger exploded, the scientists had told NASA management that O-ring seals could fail before the launch took place.  Canceling the launch took managerial courage which they did not have.  GM could have shown that same courage by sacrificing some short-term profits and pursuing their head start in electric car technology.  Remember, not every technical failure is a result of bad engineering,  and not every failure ends with an explosion.  Don't let this failure slip by you unnoticed just because there is no fireball.  If a car company had the vision (and there is one that does) you could be driving an all-electric car to work tomorrow at a fraction of the environmental and economic cost.

I killed the electric car when I didn't apply my technical skills to solving the problems, but instead worked on fuel cells.  You killed it when you bought an SUV, or thought an electric car couldn't meet your needs, or if you are Alan Lloyd.   Thanks, us.

The spot: medium shot of a man, waist up, wearing a suit and tie, lamenting the price of gas.  "That place where gas prices couldn't go any higher meets gas prices just went higher? I'm there."  Cut to a wide shot revealing the man standing next to a bicycle, wearing bicycle shorts below his suit and shirt.  "That place where four wheels meets two wheels? I'm there."  A narrator talks about how State Farm's low prices can help save you money while the cyclist unlocks his bike.  The spot ends when a woman walks past in the background and says, "Nice pants, Jim."



State Farm has this new series of commercials called "Intersections." There's one with the young guy getting married, but he's wearing Converse sneakers with his suit, so you know he's a hip cool youth.  There's another one where a guy sits in his super-cool loft-style apartment in the city, playing with his baby.  In other words, a slightly obnoxious but altogether harmless ad campaign about positioning State Farm as the insurance company for all you hipsters out there.  Harmless, until this ad.

Let me start by saying I am a bike commuter.  During the spring, summer, and fall, I do 11 miles roundtrip 3-5 times a week.  Apparently State Farm thinks I should be mocked and ridiculed for this.  Wow, did this ad piss me off. I'm sorry, but so what if rising gas prices has resulted in this guy having to ride his bike to work? Good! GREAT! What is the problem, State Farm? Are we supposed to feel bad for this guy because he can't afford to drive his Hummer to work anymore? If he lives close enough to ride his bike to work, then he should already be biking to work!  And who told him to ride in bicycle shorts and a suit jacket? If he wants to look like a fool that's his problem.  Oh, and then! And then! That woman walks past and says "Nice shorts!"  You are right, horrible woman, he should be ridiculed for finding a way to cope with high energy prices.  Lets just annex Iraq and start drilling in the Alaskan wildlife refuge until our problems go away.

Okay...I'm going to take a deep breath, regain my composure.  Now, how about a closer look at what exactly is wrong with this, without the hysterics.  I am of the opinion that driving a gasoline-powered car is incredibly cheap.  Lets do some math.

According to my bike odometer, I've put approximately 2000 miles on it since I started commuting regularly two summers ago.  At 20 miles per gallon, I've saved 100 gallons of gas, at an average of $3 per gallon, or $300.  In other words, I have not yet offset the initial investment I made in the bicycle (not to mention my helmet, scalp cap to keep my head warm on cold mornings, my lights to make me more visible at night, the pack to carry my clothes...

So why do it? Even at these prices, there is not a whole lot of economic incentive.  Also, I have purchase carbon offsets for my car, so there isn't even much environmental incentive for me to do it.  Basically, I do it because I think it is a way for me to set a positive example.  If my bike commuting gets others to follow suit, then I feel that it is worth the effort (for the record, I have gotten one other employee at my office to start bike commuting).

And then along comes State Farm, re-enforcing all these horrible notions about bike commuting. You have to wear tight shorts (I don't, by the way).  Others will mock you.  Its all so very...European.  You should do whatever it takes to save money so that you can keep driving that car around.  What is next, Hefty trash bags making a commercial about how recycling is for pussies?  Is this the way everyone thinks? The fact is, this ad is a reflection of the common perception of commuting on a bike.  Rather than help change this view, State Farm reinforces it to sell some insurance policies on the cars that you should keep driving, as is right as an American.  

Sigh.