Hello all. Jesse has been bothering me to post something on his blog. Of course, now he's going to expect me to do this all the fuckin time, but I'm not.

If I'm not writing sad/depressing/slit-your-wrists stories, I'm writing soft to hard core porn. I've decided to venture into a new realm this time: expressing my sassyness in the written word. But Suzi (or the fuckin Suze, as I've been named) aren't you sassy enough through your actions and misspoken words? you may ask. Yes. I am. But when I find a retarded article in a newspaper I actually respect, I decide to point out and mock their retardedness so they may learn their lesson and not have it happen again. I know, I know, I'm as selfless and helpful as they come. The original article that initiated this mess follows, along with the letter to the editor I actually wrote and sent to the newspaper. No response as of yet.

Some background: triCity News is the weekly alternative newspaper in the area, very similar to Metroland in Albany. They're supposed to be edgy, fresh and real on their point of view. Suzi is a cynical bitch out to set the world straight. Red Bank is the town where the cynical bitch and supposedly edgy newspaper are having the conflict about.

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[Note from Jesse: I would have just had Suzi link to the original article on triCity's website but, uh, they don't put their articles on their website.  So, sorry, triCity, you are the ones missing out on some Obscure-driven traffic.]

Bare Ass Red Bank: From $200,000 kitchens to $65 jeans on Broad Street

Red Bank- Still think Hip City is all about mindless high end consumerism?

Then we suggest you go over to Broad Street near Front and check out the storefront window with the huge photo of a woman - apparently bare assed - climbing on top of a man.

Yup, this is allegedly the epicenter of high end Hip City.

And you're got, well...sex smeared all over the place!

The window in question is the new location for a Marc Ecko clothing store, which will feature the "Cut and Sew" men's line.

Cut and sew?

Man, they should have cut and sown something over that chick's rear end! We've taken a good look at that photo, and we don't see no thong, or anything else, covering her crack.

It's completely hilarious. My God, this is Red Bank!

"It's a big controversy among my customers," said one manager of a Board Street business who was clearly amused by the whole thing.

"I mean, the woman's ass is showing! And there's kids walking around here."

Then again, some of the vacant retail spaces on Broad Street don't look so good either.

"It does look better than the old lighting store that's vacant across the street on the corner where you can see sleeping bags on the floor," said the same person with a hearty laugh.

Just goes to show you: You never know what life - or Hip City - will bring.

Here we are, warning about the danger of conformity in Red Bank from large national retail chains - and the first thing this one does is put a huge photo of a semi-naked, ranfy chick in its window.

Of course, now that this story has hit the front page of triCity, it will be the talk of Red Bank and eastern Monmouth County.

But before everyone gets their hearts racing over Red Bank's own version of public soft-core porn, let's all take a moment to understand the real story here.

It's not the bare ass on Broad Street.

It's that a high profile space which had been vacant for well over a year is about to undergo a huge transformation in tenants: From the stuffy Clive Christian offering $200,000 kitchens to Marc Ecko selling $65 men's jeans.

That's pretty remarkable. And while we just can't get ourselves to say a national chain retailer is a good things, Ecko will certainly help bust Hip City's bum rap as only about high end shopping.

According to the Ecko website, the Cut and Sew line's clothing is pretty much all under $100, with blazers between $100-200. And the Red Bank store, which will open this summer, will be all menswear. There's certainly nothing like that up in Hip City.

We've been writing much about where Red Bank is heading - and we like the direction. We envision a bright future for the place as a center for arts and culture in the mid-Atlantic states region.

Can't say that a Marc Ecko store advances that goal. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't.

But it's sure better than Clive Christian Kitchens!

And the difference is funny: Clive Christian obviously was going after the myth of wealthy Two Rivers blue-bloods in the Rumson area spending huge sums of inherited wealth.

As anyone knows who has tried to tap into that market, it doesn't exist. There simply aren't that many blue-bloods left - and those stills alive certainly don't spend extravagantly.

Clive Christian learned that. They're gone.

But now Marc Ecko is taking that same high profile spot in the most high profile section of Red Bank - and going after men to buy $65 jeans.

Man, we're still not quite sure what that means. Although it does one thing that many say is needed in Red Bank - the selling of more affordable items that people can actually buy.

Of course, we've long argued that's a myth about Hip City. Just because some obnoxious rich people drive through with their Hummers on a Saturday night doesn't mean this is Rodeo Drive. Even on Broad Street, you've got place like Funk & Standard; Backward Glances and New York Trends that aren't expensive at all. Hell, even CoCo Pari has a sale basement.

Monmouth Street and other sections of town are pretty much all affordable stuff. Hell, go visit Vinny at Red Bank Surplus on Wallace Street about 100 feet off Broad and he'll sell you a military issue hat for five bucks.
So what is a Dux bed is a ridiculous amount of money? Who cares? That doesn't define Red Bank - and this high end bad rap is something we're determined to combat.

Because there are more creative and artistic people and businesses clustered up in Hip City than in any other place in our region. That's what defines Red Bank to us.

You can find them al over Monmouth Street, and there's a surprisingly large number on Broad Street. Meanwhile, their numbers are rising on the West side.

We profile them all the time, in an effort to correct the misimpression of Hip City as another Short Hills Mall without the roof.

In the meantime, who would have though a huge photo of a semi-naked woman in a window on Broad Street, along with $65 jeans from Marc Ecko, would help make our case!

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Dear Editor:

I would have addressed this to the writer of the article, "Bare Ass Red Bank," but I could not find a name. (Also, after reading the piece I would have suggested a title change to either: "How many times can I write Hip City in a 900 Word Article" or "My Hate for Clive Christian and his #uckin Kitchens."

Of course, I don't blame the author. I would also be embarrassed to have my name associated with that piece. Whether it was an unfunny exercise in sarcasm or an honest to god opinion, perhaps someone should have read it before publishing the story.

To start with: Sex sells and it commands attention. I just stated the obvious. (Sort of what the article did, but just in a more concise way.) This fact makes Marc Ecko a smart retailer and triCity a smart newspaper. (Hell, putting that image by the article was the only thing you guys did right with this two page fiasco.) Of course, if you're looking for a more tantalizing spectacle in town, just wait outside of Red Bank Catholic before school starts or when it ends. Let's just say, I've seen longer skirts on Elliot Spitzer's hookers dressing the part of a catholic school girl. I wouldn't exactly worry about the "kids walking around here" getting any wrong ideas. They had Marc Ecko beaten to the punch.
 
"Still think Hip City is all about mindless high end consumerism?" An emphatic YES! Red Bank (or "Hip City" as it was written 8 times in the article) is exactly about mindless high end consumerism. Was the writer posing that question as the start of a joke and forgot to include the punch line? I'm actually surprised that there aren't checkpoints on the town border where credit card limits and the size of your Hummer are measured. "You Must be this Rich and Drive a Foreign Car (or a ridiculously over-sized American SUV) to Enter."

Can't you just smell the pretentiousness from miles away? Get a whiff of those over-priced blood diamonds from Tiffany's. And the aroma of the luxury apartment buildings popping up around town (because we need more of those as much as we need more hair salons and over-priced restaurants). Red Bank is the only town I've ever lived in where there's literally a "wrong side of the tracks." (And that's good for me because that's the only place left in Red Bank with affordable housing. And besides, where else would the Hipsters of Hip City get their grass cutters, food waiters, window washers, house painters and other cheap labor from?)

The rotating door that this city has on retail business should have your newspaper questioning Red Bank's absurd rent on property or perhaps analyzing the city's population in relation to successful businesses. The 3 stores mentioned as affordable in "Bare Ass" (Funk & Standard, Backward Glances and New York Trends) target the 13 to 20 age group. Other than 7 Eleven and Dunkin Donuts off of Front Street, there are no other places where this age group is even welcomed now that the Internet Café bit the bullet. Not welcomed, that is, unless mummy or daddy is accompanying them with Mr. Platinum Card.

So, mystery author and/or editor, whenever you manage to pry your lips of Hip City's enormous cock (or perhaps it's in your bare ass) please continue to put out the great publication of what is triCity News.

Oh, and yeah, Hip City, Hip City and Hip City. (That should complete the count.)