While I'm pimping all my myriad accomplishments, did you know I'm a published author? It's true.  Okay, so I may be published in a magazine that nobody has ever heard of.  Yes, and it may help that I play softball with the editor-in-chief.  And that the Suze is creative director of the magazine.  Listen, who asked you anyway, internet? If you're going to be all snotty about it, maybe I don't want you to click on the thumbnail below to read my article, okay? Fine!

I'm just kidding, internet.  I know you appreciate all I do you for.