I really like advice columns.  Of course, its fun to give people advice and tell them what to do; but even more fun is watching people flail out into the internet wilderness, casting about for someone guide them through the tiniest little problems that pop up in their lives.   Unfortunately, nobody has flopped into my net, looking for my advice - but that's not going to stop me!  I'm just going to get into somebody else's business (bizness?).

This week: I am going to take the questions that were answered by Miss Manners for her February 14th column and answer them my own damn self.  Look for me to get into the business (bizness?) of other advice columnists in the future.


Dear Miss Manners OC:

The prevailing custom in elementary school these days seems to be that a child must -- must -- bring a Valentine's Day card for each and every other student in her classroom (plus the teacher).

This seems to me to be a debasement of the whole purpose of a valentine, which is to show how much you admire someone else. Granted, there are hurt feelings when a valentine is not received as expected, especially if one was delivered, but is a valueless mass delivery any improvement on that?

I am considering boycotting the entire ceremony for my little girls (both in kindergarten this year) in the hopes of getting teachers and other parents to consider just what has become of this holiday. Any suggestions?

Dear Debbie Downer,

Yes, I do have a suggestion.  Stop being a cheap bitch and buy the goddamn Valentine's.  Or, how about this: instead of Valentine's, you can handwrite and make 30 copies of this note for your child to hand out -

"Dear elementary school child,

Thank you for the Valentine you have given my daughter, but I am not allowing them to give out Valentine's unless they truly love and admire you.  You see, giving a card to everyone diminishes the value of cards given to truly special people.  I hope you understand, and that this teaches you the TRUE meaning of Valentine's Day. Also, I'm cheap and a controlling bitch.  Thanks."

**

Dear Miss Manners OC:

I am a 20-year-old college student who has been lucky enough to find a wonderful man. We will be married next summer, but my mother has already started on the guest list.

Because she and my father are graciously paying for the wedding, I don't mind that the majority of the list are friends of hers. I have objected to her wanting to invite some church friends that both my fiance and I have never even met and don't have much desire to meet, but she insists that it would be rude to leave them out.

All I can think about is how awkward the receiving line will be when my fiance and I will both be saying nice to meet you. Would you please help us?

Dear Ungrateful Offspring,

If your mother and father are being gracious enough to foot the bill for what I imagine must be a very expensive wedding for a princess such as yourself, you can be gracious enough to smile, politely greet a few guests, and get on with the business of making your poor husband miserable with your unreasonable demands for the rest of your lives. Or at least until the divorce. 

**

Dear Miss Manners OC:

A good friend, age 40, recently lost her brother, age 38, in a tragic and violent crime. Her brother lived in a different state, and most of our group had never met him.

Another friend has suggested that in lieu of sending flowers to the funeral, our group of friends should send money to our friend and her husband, ostensibly for their travel expenses, lost wages, etc. I have some misgivings about the propriety of this. Please advise.

Of course you have misgivings.  Your friend is an idiot.  "Hey, heard your brother died, here's $50." What?  Send flowers and condolences.