Fresh off supporting Arizona's 'No Brown People Allowed' treehouse ,Tony La Russa has decided that he wants to make sure nobody forgets how big an asshole he is by being a featured guest at the Glenn Beck rally in DC this weekend
"I don't want to be there if it's political," La Russa said.
How could anyone possibly think that attending a rally organized by Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin with the stated goal of 'reclaiming the civil rights movement' [for white people] might be political? Also thanks to St Louis today for describing it as 'potentially politically charged'. Fair and balanced!
Hand and microvascular surgeons specializing in treating bone, joint,
soft tissue difficulties involving the shoulder, arm, wrist and hand -
including Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Our proven procedures are supported
by exemplary medical professionalism and patient care.
Developers of the patented Brown Procedure for endoscopic CTS treatment.
The Brown Hand Center, founded by Dr. Michael Brown, have a ubiquitous advertising presence in Houston; they are the type of annoying local commercials found around the country (although not quite so inspired that anybody would make a documentary about them - Jim knows what I'm talking about). Here's one now, and you should watch it, although I must warn you: the word "daddy's baby girl!" will be ringing in your ears for days.
Creepy, right? But I thought it was just creepy in that "awkward locally produced commercial" sort of way. I thought the look of barely-suppressed fear and panic in his wife's eyes was stage fright. I thought wrong.
Carpal tunnel syndrome is a repetitive stress injury; repetitive stress injuries are the result of repeating the same action over and over. Dr. Brown apparently became an expert in the subject by repeatedly going upside his wife's head.
The founder of the Brown Hand Center, Michael Brown, was arrested in
Houston charged with twisting his wife's arm in a domestic dispute,
according to accounts in the Houston Chronicle and Dallas Morning News.
Brown's medical centers specializes in carpal tunnel surgeries and has
centers in Phoenix, Texas and Las Vegas. Brown was released on bail in
Houston and was told to stay away from his wife. He has faced some
previous domestic charges, according to the Texas papers.
Previous domestic charges might be downplaying it a little bit.
[On] January 24 of last year, [...] Brown returned to his Woodlands residence
from a topless club and allegedly brutalized his wife, who was seven
months pregnant. She told detectives the doctor dragged her by her hair,
broke off a bedpost and beat her with it before pointing a gun at her
head and screaming, "You're not having this fucking baby." The wife
claimed that she locked herself in a bedroom and the husband fired
several shots through the door.
The baby in question? None other than "daddy's baby girl". Of course.
So where do I get a euphemism out of all this? Perhaps you don't enjoy the irony of a man associated with a famous hand procedure beating his wife, but it seems pretty clear to me that the following should now be etched into the permanent tablet that is the internet. The Brown Hand Procedure is now a euphemism for beating your wife.
"Oh my god, you have a black eye! What happened to you?"
"Michael didn't like the dinner I made, so he gave me the Brown Hand Procedure."
My mind was made up when I saw the cover of US Weekly at the supermarket yesterday.
Rewind to a few months ago, when I first realized that there was a show on MTV called "Teen Mom". I watched, horrified (and by watched I mean "was subjected to as I failed to grapple the remote from Suzi's death grip") as the show chronicled the, I guess we'll go ahead and call them the "exploits" of a group of teenage girls who had given birth to little bundles of inevitable failure.
It went beyond the merely mundane and dull for two reasons: first, these people are all incredibly unpleasant to spend time with. Teenage girls are, in general, dumb and hold little interest for me. But when these girls had their babies, I think any personality they had might have been sucked out as part of the afterbirth. And secondly, can't you see these girls as being role models for a certain type of lonely, emotionally unbalanced teenager? These girls had babies, and now they had their own TV show! Teenage motherhood had made them celebrities!
Suzi countered: this show (rather convincingly) recounts how much it sucks to be a teen mom. It isn't a reality show about glamorous parties and celebrity friends; its about changing diapers, working a shitty job, and ultimately having your life go nowhere. Would any girls watching this show really aspire to this?
Well, nice try, Suze. Back to the checkout counter: US Weekly prominently featured two of the Teen Moms on the cover. It was one thing if all you saw from the show was the horribleness of these girls lives, but now if they start getting the trappings of stardom attached to them, then what? Obviously you or I, reasonable, well-adjusted adults, don't aspire to be these girls. But the type of girl who would be stupid enough to have a baby as a teenager in the first place is stupid enough for this show to convince them its a good idea.
My Dad visited me last weekend. He brought a lot of peppers. A lot. What the hell am I supposed to do with a heaping pile of hot peppers?
Well, the obvious answer is to stuff them. Have you had Jalapeno Poppers? You have? What were they stuffed with? Cheddar Cheese? Bah. I've always preferred the Cream Cheese stuffed variety.
These little guys are my version -- I don't use jalapenos, and I don't deep fry them. But they're still hot and tasty and smoothed out by the cream cheese. And they're damned easy to make.
What you said: "blah blah blah blah blah... and that's how I feel."
What you meant: "blah blah blah blah blah... and the preceding statement was stupid, likely racist or homophobic, and either not able to be backed up by or directly refuted by proven facts."
Sample usage:
"The Holy Bible say if your 'GAY' homosexual they shall surely be put to
death; their blood shall be upon them. This tells me alot so should we
kill them NO. They Need to ask God to forgive them of their sins and
mean it turn away from it. They also need to know that when it says that
their blood shall be upon them that tells me it is AIDS. Thats how I
feel."
Call it the season of squandered opportunity. Call it a waste of my fucking time. Whatever you call it, there is no way this season ends with any satisfaction. Consider the following:
The seasons of the two most talented dancers on the show, Alex Wong and Ashley Galvan, were both cut short by injuries. Injuries also limited the screen time of Billy Bell and, more importantly, extended by exposure to Jose.
The much-hyped appearance of the All-Stars were thrown completely out of whack by the poor performance of the women on the show, resulting in a male-female imbalance that it took the producers weeks to find a satisfactory result to (hey, let's let two guys dance together! That's legal in California now, right?)
The judges held way too much sway over the season, retaining their power to select from the bottom three performers all the way through the Top 4. Which would have been okay, if the judges were able to adequately judge the talent in front of them.
All told, I count three memorable performances (Alex Wong getting out of his mind, Billy Bell as a hobo, and the memorable-for-the-wrong-reasons Adechike and Jose man-on-man paso); a winner who will be, at best, the third or fourth best dancer on the show this year; and Robert fucking Roldan in the finale. Jesus Christ.
The abbreviated rankings:
3. Robert Roldan
He can enjoy the extra TV exposure, but if he thinks he can actually win, then he's as fucking insane as he sometimes looks when smiling.
2. Lauren Froderman
Maybe it was the inevitability of her making the finale due to her lone-vaginal status the last several weeks, but I have cooled considerably on her chances to pull out an upset victory. She very capably performs everything handed to her without me actually feeling like I've seen anything special. She's cute, but not beautiful, if you get my meaning.
