Governor Rick Perry, we need to talk. I know you're terrified of Kay Bailey Hutchinson beating you in the Republican primary next year, but you already won the far right over with your stimulus denying and secessionism. Sarah Palin is even supporting you! You really don't need to do this:
Cynthia Dunbar, R-Richmond, who advocated more Christianity in the public square last year with the publication of her book, One Nation Under God, is among those that Gov. Rick Perry is considering to lead the State Board of Education, some of her colleagues say.
. . . .
In a book published last year, Dunbar argued the country's founding fathers created "an emphatically Christian government" and that government should be guided by a "biblical litmus test." She endorses a belief system that requires "any person desiring to govern have a sincere knowledge and appreciation for the Word of God in order to rightly govern."
Also in the book, she calls public education a "subtly deceptive tool of perversion."
The establishment of public schools is unconstitutional and even "tyrannical," she wrote, because it threatens the authority of families, granted by God through Scripture, to direct the instruction of their children.
Dunbar home-schooled her own children.
. . . .
"It would certainly cause angst among the same members of the pagan left that rejected Don McLeroy because he was a man of faith," said David Bradley, R-Beaumont, one of the seven socially conservative members on the 15-person board."
You cannot possibly be seriously considering appointing someone who believes that public schools should be destroyed to head the public school system. It's gotta be hard being a (probably) gay Republican governor, especially when you only slipped through election last time because there were four major candidates running. That 39% support has to sting, especially since Kay Bailey Hutchinson is a hell of a stronger candidate than any of them. But this really isn't going to do anything. The far right loves you thanks to your ceaseless pandering, and she's shown no desire to be anything but a typical Southern right winger. More of this is actually going to hurt as a whole lot of Texas Republicans who aren't completely crazy are going to jump ship.
Oh, and the whole "selling out every public school student in Texas' future" part.
Jim, admit it. You're tired of New York. The modern day Sodom. Homosexuals everywhere, with their alluringly promiscuous lifestyle and impeccable abs. It's just a matter of time until they convert you and everyone you know into a gay marriage, which is a thing that happens. How can you fight back?
Well, you could keep them out of your restaurants. That would help. Or, even better, you could just give every homosexual you met a life threatening brain injury. But STUPID NEW YORK, AKA SODOM says you can't do that. It's illegal. It's discriminatory.
Well, they've figured out how to handle that problem here in Texas, Jim: Just call the cops to do it for you.
EL PASO -- Two gay men kissed at a Chico's Tacos
restaurant, prompting guards to eject them and a police officer to
endorse their ouster.
Civil-rights lawyers say the security staff was
out of line. Police, though, contend that a business such as a
restaurant can refuse service to anybody, any time.
In all, five men were ordered to leave the restaurant. They say they were forced out by homophobic guards.
[One of the five men Carlos Diaz] de Leon quoted one of the guards as saying he didn't allow "that faggot stuff" in the restaurant.
FORT WORTH -- The grand opening sign still hangs above the door of the
Rainbow Lounge, but the recently opened dance club has already become a
rallying point for gay men and lesbians here, after a raid by law
enforcement last week left one man hospitalized with a head injury and
prompted complaints of brutality.
[...] Chad Gibson, a 26-year-old computer technician from Euless, about 15
miles northeast of Fort Worth, suffered a concussion, a hairline
fracture to his skull and internal bleeding after officers slammed his
head into a wall and then into the floor, witnesses and family members
said. Mr. Gibson was still hospitalized on Friday evening as doctors
monitored a blood clot in his brain, his mother, Karen Carter, said.
In other news, I heard there was a movement in the Texas legislature to change the state motto from "Friendship" to "We don't allow that faggot stuff here." Truly a blessed land, Jim.
There is also something called
Suddenlink Cable, but it looks like it's run by some redneck in the
middle of nowhere. They don't get any of the professional sports
channels and their website says that they are still in the process of
getting Caller ID for digital phone service. I think I'll pass on that
I'm with Suddenlink. I assure you we're run by a very professional,
experienced management team. We don't currently offer NFL Network, but
we'd love to. More information here.
In regards to negotiations with the NFL Network, the linked article states:
Suddenlink has tried repeatedly to reach a deal to carry the NFL
Network. We even offered to give them their own channel, widely
available to Suddenlink customers who want it. We told the NFL they
could make that channel available for free, or set whatever price they
wanted for it, and keep all revenues from it, including all advertising
revenues. Under that option, Suddenlink would have made no money.
The NFL declined that offer and all others, reiterating that they
would accept nothing less than the nearly $100 million in guaranteed
payments they demanded three-plus years ago. We've made multiple new
proposals since then; the NFL has not, effectively refusing to
negotiate with us.
First, let me say this: Pete, please excuse Daytrader and myself for our comments. While you may not fit the stereotype of the redneck Texan, I assure you that we both fit the stereotype of the loud, obnoxious, know-it-all New Yorkers. (But you guys really need to work on the caller ID thing.)
[When Daytrader and Rose decided they were moving to College Station, it was time for DT to figure out the details. No, not where they would live, or how he would finish his degree at a school in upstate New York from southeast Texas. The big question was: how would DT get to see the Giants play football on Sunday? With the release of the 2009 schedule, we decided to hash it out.]
From: Jesse To: Daytrader Subject: To satellite or not to satellite?
The NFL has released the 2009 schedule. Here's how I see it shaking out for you to get games over the air once you move to College Station.
From my experience last year, you can count on getting all nationally televised games and all games played against Dallas. On top of those, if neither Houston or Dallas has a game during the day on Sunday, you have a reasonable chance of seeing the Giants, depending on the matchup.
In 2009, the Giants have 5 prime time games + 1 non-primetime game against Dallas = at least 6 games will be on the air here. So, if you decide to get Direct TV with the NFL package, you'll be paying for, at most, 10 games, possibly less if you get lucky on a random Sunday or if the Giants get flexed later in the season. So, the question is: how much would you pay to watch a single regular season game?
"A high school principal and his security staff shut feuding students in a steel cage to settle disputes with bare-knuckle fistfights, according to an internal report by the Dallas Independent School District.
Mr. Moten, who resigned from the district in 2008 while under investigation in connection with a grade-changing scandal, denies the cage-fight accusations.
Mr. Moten, 56, is a former Dallas police officer who once lied about being kidnapped and robbed at gunpoint to get out of work, for which he was placed on administrative leave."
As an interesting side note, yes the Texas pledge is recited every day in high schools. A proposed amendment to the bill that updated the language to add 'one state under God' that would have made clear that recitation was voluntary and should not be coerced by school staff failed in the House decisively.
The spot: An attractive woman waits in a restaurant. Her date arrives, but before she can say a word, he places his hands against her lips - he is on the phone. A montage of bad date cliches follows: he blows his nose, picks his teeth, checks out other women, sends texts from his phone, and gestures that eating dessert will make his date fat. Over this sequence, the narrator says, "Have you ever found yourself on a really bad blind date? Now imagine that date lasting the rest of your life?" The woman stares at her date/husband as he gets up from the table and says, "I have to go. Happy anniversary, honey." The logo comes up on the screen for AshleyMadison.com. "Isn't it time for AshleyMadison.com?" the narrator asks, and the screen displays the slogan: When Divorce Isn't An Option. Cut back to the woman, who is now eying another young man at the restaurant, and smiling seductively at him.
Originally schedule to air during the Super Bowl, the NFL and NBC both rejected this ad for predictable reasons. However, it was still aired in certain markets by the local affiliates, and Houston was one of those. When it was rejected nationally, AshleyMadison.com decided to focus marketing efforts in those areas where they had seen the best growth, and it turns out that the top three cities were all in Texas: Houston, San Antonio, and Dallas. This set of facts tells us two interesting things:
As a result of the poor economy, we've started to see prime time ad space opening up to commercials that would normally only air during daytime television. With AshleyMadison.com and Cash4Gold.com, some of that was even able to leak into the premiere advertising event in the world.
Texas is, apparently, the biggest market for an infidelity website. A theory: the high level of church participation in the South hits the moral depravity of the big cities, causing a sort of infidelity storm front. People want to appear to be committed to their families (so no divorcing) but are also lured to the dark side by the anything goes big-city atmosphere. As a result, its raining affairs!
Now, about the ad itself. A very fine line needed to be walked here: in order for the ad to be successful, the prospective client needed to be able to sympathize with the woman's situation. If the man was actually abusive, then the viewer would be turned off (just leave him!) If he wasn't a big enough jerk, the viewer would sympathize with him (he's not such a bad guy!) But to really sell it, they needed some extra justification.
He leaves at the end. Where is he going? Perhaps... to have an affair? And did you see the restaurant they were at, and how nicely everyone was dressed? Clearly the guy has some money.
So we've constructed a scenario where a great many women would be able to sympathize: the man is a jerk, and he's probably cheating on her... but he's got money, so instead of divorcing him, just sit on the busboy's face. The ad bangs this home at the end: When Divorce Isn't An Option.
Whatever you think of the morality of the company, give the ad props for knowing who their target audience is.
That's the amount of infrastructure stimulus the state of Texas plans to spend on building highways and bridges. That leaves 22.82% for everything else - rail and bus infrastructure, as well as some road projects that are not specifically highways.
(Think your state is any better? Find out for sure with the full list here, via Pedestrianist.)
Before we begin, I need to set the record straight. I have never, nor would I ever, talk smack about Jim's mom or her delicious cooking, despite what he might have you believe. Here is what I actually said:
"[U]p until a few years ago, the undisputed champion of cooking in my life
was Jim's mom. Unfortunately, after the first Thanksgiving we spent in
Florida, Jim's mom had to cede the title to Suzi's sister Sandra."
See? No smack talk. But even so, I would like to amend this statement. It was wrong of me to imply that there was a title or championship to be the best cook. Do we argue over whether Thomas Jefferson or Abe Lincoln is the best president? No, we just put them both on Mount Rushmore and call it a day. So I hereby declare that Jim's Mom and Sandra both go on the ObscureCraft Mount Rushmore of cooking, and hopefully we can put this ugly business behind us.
If you are looking to get yourself onto the Mount Rushmore of cooking, here is the first requirement: no matter how many people show up in your house, and no matter what time of the day or night it is, you must always have delicious food ready for them to eat. Such was the case with the very first pulled pork sandwiches. A group of 9 people made a pit stop at Jim's parents house on the way from Albany, NY to Naples, Florida. It was 11 o'clock at night, and out comes Jim's mom with a tray full of pulled pork wrapped up in flour tortillas. Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how you get it done.
Five years ago, Tom DeLay redistricted Texas to maximize Republican House seats. The idea was simple: if you had 10 seats, and the overall split was 60/40, then normally the party would expect to get 6 seats. But if you gerrymandered every district so that each one had a 60/40 split, you'd get all of them! DeLay wasn't quite that successful (his unprecedented mid-decade redistricting changed the split from 17 Democrats, 15 Republicans, to 21 Republicans, 11 Democrats), but one of the districts he took was the 10th Congressional. With his handpicked successor, Michael McCaul taking the reins, he was to have the seat for his entire life. Until Texas Democratic Party Boyd Richie had an idea...
That's right, get a man who plays a judge on television to run. There are so many things I love about this image that I can't list them all here, but for one just notice in the bottom right how he carefully displays the cowboy boots under his robe. In case you didn't think the show was Texan enough otherwise. Keep in mind Larry Joe is not an actual judge, although he is a successful lawyer. Now the 10th stretches from northeast Houston all the way to Austin. Yes, that's over 200 miles. The idea was to siphon some of the cities off and dilute them in the huge red waste that is the area between the two.
Larry Joe is thus the perfect candidate to run as a Democrat. Hipsters in Austin (everyone who lives in Austin) will vote for him ironically, rural TV fans will vote for him sincerely, and minorities in Houston will vote straight ticket anyway because the state Republican party is hella racist. Seriously, check the Texan platform, it's way crazier than the national platform. He's also rich from his TV show, so has dumped his own money into the race!
As a 501(c) nonprofit*, ObscureCraft does not actually endorse candidates. But we do endorse watching daytime court TV, so you do the math.
Now that the Olympics are over, it is time to turn my attention to more pressing issues. It is now time to get everyone I know to move to Texas. The first friend I've decided to separate from the herd is Jim. I realized today that the time to make my move was right when I heard this story on NPR today on my way home.
TOP TRUCKERS COMPETE IN HOUSTON
"Nearly 400 professional truck drivers from all over the country are in Houston. They're competing in the annual Truck Driving Championship."
Jim, Texas is the kind of place where they talk about Truck Driving Championships on NPR. National Public Motherfucking Radio has stories about truck driving.
And the event itself is everything you can imagine. There are cheerleaders. For trucking. And den mothers. What do the den mothers do? I have no idea. But they got some.
Truckers compete in eight - yes, eight - different classes of trucks. Straight truck, 3-axle, 4-axle, 5-axle, Twins, 5-Axle Sleeper & Auto Transporter, Tank Truck, and Flatbed.
And don't be late, or else you'll miss the Parade of Equipment at 8 am sharp on Saturday!
Well, ladies and gents, it is time for me to sign off for a few days. Don't worry, OC.net will be back before you know it. More than likely, it'll be back before you even know it is gone. Wait, why do I bother writing this website again?
Anyway, we'll be back sometime late next week. Until then, enjoy...
Texas, I'm sorry. I didn't mean the things I said about you the other night. It's just that I was alone in my hotel room, and the TV was really blurry, and there wasn't any regular Law and Order on, only that crappy SVU version (I expect this kind of crap from you, Ice-T, but Richard Belzer? Where are your standards, sir.)
So, I'm here to apologize in the only way I know how: with a t-shirt. Friends?
I needed to get that off my chest, Texas, because there is something much more important to talk about. See, I learned something in the last couple of days. When you have a disagreement with someone, you shouldn't hurt them with your words. Take, for example, Cody Martin and Matt Hill, two Georgia high school baseball players. They understand that the only way to make someone understand your side of a disagreement is to hit them in the face with a baseball.
Baseball has the power to teach us many lessons. For example, when you hit someone in the face with a baseball on the street, it is assault. But between those two magical white lines, its just another way of getting your point across. In this case, the point was "I'm an entitled high school athlete having a hissy fit because of your choice of strike zone."
And sure, the catcher would protest after the game that it was a cross-up; in baseball terms, that mean you expected the pitcher to throw one pitch, and he threw another, rendering him unable to catch it. In fact, he was so surprised that he just dropped to his knees in shock while the ball sailed past him. Cross-ups, of course, do happen. For example, you put down one index finger, which is the sign for a fastball, but the pitcher saw one middle finger, which is the sign to hit the umpire in the face.
The pitcher obviously had a point, though. How could the umpire call that last pitch a ball? He clearly has pinpoint control. Here, let him show you with a baseball in your face.
1. Football! High school football, college football, NFL football, pee-wee football, fetus football, geriatric football, and futbol.
2. Central time! All those shows that say 8/7c? Well we're in the 7c! All your favorite shows are on an hour early. No more waiting until 8 o'clock for prime-time to distract you from paying attention to your spouse. Haha, actually I'm kidding. I start watching TV as soon as I get home anyway.
4. Give me a second...
5. Tornadoes! Those are exciting...
Please don't leave me here by myself. They put the state of Texas on everything. EVERYTHING. You saw the waffle, right? It's like that, but everywhere. You have to drive 15 miles to get to a Dunkin' Donuts. And why is everyone so goddamned friendly? It's really freaking me out. What do you want from me, guy at the rental car counter? Just give me the car! Aaaauaaaaghgh!
7. Oh, they have a really awesome highway system here. Really great. Yeah.