Results filed under: “play”

jesse
@ January 16, 2009


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4
Watching this video gave me a nerdgasm:



The website for the game is hereDownload the demo right now. Do it. DO. IT.


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jesse
@ December 31, 2008


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SimCity is the ultimate time killer.  Time is Nicole Brown Simpson, and SimCity is OJ.  I have played various versions of SimCity since before I was a teenager, when I got SimCity for the Super Nintendo.  It was like a drug; I spent the following summer in a SimCity induced haze, a friend and I baked on the couch in front of pixelated grids of streets and railroads and blocks marked with R or C or I. 

If the Super Nintendo version was pot, then SimCity 4 for the PC is crack.  I fire it up, and then all of a sudden 4 hours have gone.  Where did they go? I'm not sure - I was busy fine tuning my transportation network (needs more elevated rail!)  All I know is that I had lunch, sat down to play, and now its time for Judge Judy. Take that, vacation!

SimCity skate park.JPGHere I have made the world's most dangerous skate park. Some teenager overshoots that right edge, and he's in for about a 75 foot fall to the pavement.

SimCity inaccessible highway.JPGThis is how poor people live.  The highway and the train tracks go through your neighborhood, but there is no on-ramp or station there.  All of the noise, none of the benefits. 

Don't try and tell me these pictures don't make you want to play SimCity.  You know they do.

SimCity valley train.JPG


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jesse
@ September 5, 2008


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8
[WARNING: The following article contains an artist's rendering of a penis.]

From elementary through middle school, I used to play an instrument.  I was a trombone player - or, to use the technical term, a tromboner.  I didn't realize how uncool it was to be a tromboner at the time.  If my parents loved me, they would have taken little Jesse aside and said, "Hey there, little Jesse. It's great that you want to play an instrument.  It will help your physical dexterity and mental acuity, and studies show you'll do better in math and science.  But if you pick the right instrument, not only will you get those benefits, you'll get another one: pussy.  More pussy than you can shake a stick at, and all the colors of the rainbow.  But you don't get pussy with a trombone.  Play the guitar, or the drums.  Or if you like fat girls, the bass.  But don't play the trombone."

But my parents didn't love me enough to give me this sage advice.  And if the popularity of the Guitar Hero/Rockband franchises is any indicator, I'm not the only one.  This whole playing-plastic-instruments-in-your-living-room thing is really taking off.  I never got into Guitar Hero, mostly because I stink.  I can play it on easy, with three fret buttons.  As soon as that fourth fret button was introduced I fell apart faster than Alex Rodriguez in a playoff game. 

But Rockband is different.  Why? Because I can play the drums, motherfuckers!

And now it is on.  We're getting the band together.  Suzi on lead vocals, me on drums, and Kevin "The Slasher" Cavnar-Johnson on guitar.  We're holding auditions for a bass player in the greater Houston area.

So there is one last question to answer: what to name our band?

There was an early frontrunner with the name "Fat Chick Sperm Bank." Unfortunately, this name was unable to power its awesomeness through the XBox Live content filters.  This is additionally tragic because Suzi made us a couple of logos which completely shattered my Awesometer. 

FatChickSpermBank.jpg

So, what should we do? Stick with FCSB? Try to push it through with some variation, like Fat Chick Sp3rm Bank, or Fat Chick Spernn Bank?  Some other options are posted in the new poll on the right. 

In the meantime... that's right ladies, I'm with the band.  Want to see my dressing room?


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jesse
@ May 12, 2008


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4
It's the gameplay, stupid.

I still remember beating a particularly difficult mission in GTA: Vice City back in college.  You have to go up a staircase to a landing on a building where you can get a vantage point to take a picture of a politician canoodling with some bimbos.  You are spotted, and need to get back to your safe house. Unfortunately, that politician has called in some favors, and now the police and FBI are after you.  Just little old you as heavily armed cops storm up the staircase and pursue you with helicopters and squad cars.  How to do it?

gta-1.jpgIn a lesser video game, there would be a "right" answer.  The makers of GTA, however, don't really care how you do it.  Get yourself a heavily armored transport and go up the steps with a camera and an assault rifle? Go for it.  Try to make the run across town in a Ferrari? Take your best shot. 

I did it with a motorcycle and a helicopter.  I drove the bike up the staircase, took the picture, and then drove back down, taking out police by running them over and firing an uzi as I went.  At the outlet from the building I took so much fire that my bike was immediately set on fire.  I continued driving the burning bike until I was close to my helicopter, and then leapt off.  The bike continued for a few more feet and then exploded.  I got in the copper and flew it across town until it, too, was on fire, before I got to my destination.  I jumped out of the chopper outside my safe house from 50 feet up, nearly killing myself.  The chopper exploded midair and crashed close by, and I ran the rest of the way without getting hit by the last bullet that would have killed me.

gta-2.jpgThe violence is the hook that catches you, but what keeps you playing well after the novelty of being a thug wears off is the infinite possibilities and incredible detail.  Playing the other day, I got into a head-on collision, and the occupants of the other vehicle shot out through their windshield.  I blocked a tunnel with a dump truck and took out a police escort with a rocket launcher.  I went on two dates. 

gta-3.jpgToo bad this was all at Jim's house.  I need to get a job so I can buy a PS3.  Hmm.  Maybe I can steal a few cars...



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