[WARNING: The following article contains an artist's rendering of a penis.]
From elementary through middle school, I used to play an instrument. I was a trombone player - or, to use the technical term, a tromboner. I didn't realize how uncool it was to be a tromboner at the time. If my parents loved me, they would have taken little Jesse aside and said, "Hey there, little Jesse. It's great that you want to play an instrument. It will help your physical dexterity and mental acuity, and studies show you'll do better in math and science. But if you pick the right instrument, not only will you get those benefits, you'll get another one: pussy. More pussy than you can shake a stick at, and all the colors of the rainbow. But you don't get pussy with a trombone. Play the guitar, or the drums. Or if you like fat girls, the bass. But don't play the trombone."
But my parents didn't love me enough to give me this sage advice. And if the popularity of the Guitar Hero/Rockband franchises is any indicator, I'm not the only one. This whole playing-plastic-instruments-in-your-living-room thing is really taking off. I never got into Guitar Hero, mostly because I stink. I can play it on easy, with three fret buttons. As soon as that fourth fret button was introduced I fell apart faster than Alex Rodriguez in a playoff game.
But Rockband is different. Why? Because I can play the drums, motherfuckers!
And now it is on. We're getting the band together. Suzi on lead vocals, me on drums, and Kevin "The Slasher" Cavnar-Johnson on guitar. We're holding auditions for a bass player in the greater Houston area.
So there is one last question to answer: what to name our band?
There was an early frontrunner with the name "Fat Chick Sperm Bank." Unfortunately, this name was unable to power its awesomeness through the XBox Live content filters. This is additionally tragic because Suzi made us a couple of logos which completely shattered my Awesometer.
So, what should we do? Stick with FCSB? Try to push it through with some variation, like Fat Chick Sp3rm Bank, or Fat Chick Spernn Bank? Some other options are posted in the new poll on the right.
In the meantime... that's right ladies, I'm with the band. Want to see my dressing room?