Results filed under: “irony”

ST. LOUIS | Protesters are demanding justice for a man who was injured during fighting that erupted last week when audience members at a St. Louis-area aging forum began yelling about health care reform.

Backers of Kenneth Gladney, 38, of St. Louis, gathered Saturday at the offices of the Service Employees International Union for an event organized by the pro-limited government Tea Party coalition.

[...] Brown told the crowd that Gladney is accepting donations toward his medical expenses. Gladney told reporters he was laid off recently and has no health insurance.

I used to think the only definition of irony was when you sold your gold watch to buy your wife combs for Christmas, only to find out that she cut off all of her long, beautiful hair in order to sell it to buy you a watch fob for your gold watch.

As of this writing, the top three search items on Google are:

1. google down
2. google slow
3. google outage

If Google is down, why are you using Google to search for news about... oh never mind.

I'm sure somebody on the internet has scooped me on this particular clip (what the Oscars being TWO WHOLE WEEKS AGO MOVE ON ALREADY), but in case you haven't seen it, make sure you take your irony medication before clicking play.

Did you know Eliot Spitzer is still alive? And he has a column on Slate.com? And yes, it is in fact Disgraced Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer(tm), not just some unfortunate jerk with the same name.  Today he writes about the failed auto bailout:

"We all know that a significant downsizing of auto-industry capacity is necessary. Maintaining all three companies is probably not economically feasible. We also know that the incipiency of bankruptcy tends to focus the mind and produce real offers. Why don't we tell the current Big Three that $25 billion in capital is available--but only to two of them?"

He wants to dangle the money in front of the 3 auto makers, and then have them fight it out to decide who actually gets bailed out.  Incidentally, this is the same process he used to decide which hookers to have sex with. 

Okay, low blow, but this idea is still a complete joke. Even as we watch the slow-motion collapse of our economy brought about by a slavish devotion to the concept of the free market, I still need to listen to nonsense like this.  We are going to create a MARKET FOR GOVERNMENT BAILOUTS? Are you serious? I don't know, maybe my irony detector was malfunctioning as I read this.  Go back and tell me if Spitzer was being serious, or if this was meant to be a "Modest Proposal"-esque essay on the state of free market economics.

The date was December 2004.  In a quiet, snow covered fraternity house in upstate New York, all were preparing for initiation/finals/binge drinking.  In those days the TV was mostly used for Law & Order reruns, and due to the TNT advertising blitz, we were soon made aware of a wonderful event coming the next weekend: a TNT original movie!  This was no ordinary made-for-TV film, however, it was a groundbreaking work of genius, starring such luminaries as Noah Wiley, Bob Newheart, and Kyle MacLachlan. 

The story is timeless: Noah Wiley, a lovable nerd with a heart of gold, has 23 degrees but can't manage to find a suitable job or romance.  His mother worries.  Then one day, a magic letter totally different than the ones in Harry Potter arrives!  His wide array of knowledge lands him the job: Librarian at a secret, undercover archive where all the magic artifacts throughout human history have been kept.  One of these is the Spear of Destiny, an artifact that gives unparalleled power, and for that reason was broken into thirds.  Even still, Hitler rose to power with just one piece!

Soon enough the spear is stolen by a sexy Asian assassin and a ridiculously scenery-chewing Kyle MacLachlan, and a world-spanning chase not at all a blatant ripoff of Indiana Jones follows.  It climaxes in Bob Newheart's only fight scene, as he rips off his tie, shouts "Semper Fi" and starts punching ninjas. 

We watched, entranced, as TNT played the film three times in a row.  By the end, something like Stockholm Syndrome had taken over, and to this day The Librarian: Quest for the Spear is cherished.  An inferior sequel followed, and honestly I don't remember a whole lot about it aside from not having the same love interest from the first movie.  It was also more toned down and a little less silly, which was a bad call.

But this weekend, The Librarian: Quest for the Judas Chalice debuts!  Noah Wiley vs Dracula.  They're going there, and if you appreciate fine film, you'll be there too!

Blind activists plan protest of movie 'Blindness'

Blind people quarantined in a mental asylum, attacking each other, soiling themselves, trading sex for food. For Marc Maurer, who's blind, such a scenario -- as shown in the movie "Blindness" -- is not a clever allegory for a breakdown in society.

Instead, it's an offensive and chilling depiction that Maurer fears could undermine efforts to integrate blind people into the mainstream.

"The movie portrays blind people as monsters, and I believe it to be a lie," said Maurer, president of the Baltimore-based National Federation of the Blind. "Blindness doesn't turn decent people into monsters."

Yeah, nothing cripples a movie's chances at the box office like a boycott by blind people.

And how do they know the movie is offensive to blind people? It's not like they saw it.

The organization plans to protest the movie, released by Miramax Films, at 75 theaters around the country when it's released Friday. Blind people and their allies will hand out fliers and carry signs. Among the slogans: "I'm not an actor. But I play a blind person in real life."

At least that's what they think the signs say... no actual way to know, right?  Unless they are in braille. (Is anybody offended yet?!??)

This presidential campaign has easily been the most hilarious of my lifetime (older readers are welcome to chime in), but in the last week, like a sitcom run out of ideas and desperate for ratings, it's gone from hilarious to batshit fucking insane:

You and I own 79% of AIG.   And right after winning Time's "Person of the Year", things are looking up!

A former Goldman Sachs executive who in three months will be returning to the private sector, asked the government for 700 billion dollars to give to his old friends, in exchange for nothing.  And was taken seriously.  Why 700 billion, you might ask?  "It's not based on any particular data point," a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. "We just wanted to choose a really large number."

John McCain wants a timeout in the presidential campaign because he's losing really badly of the economy.  Funny, it seems like just a week ago he was talking about how strong the fundamentals of our economy were.  Bonus Round!  Events not important enough to suspend campaigns: Civil War, Great Depression, WWII.

Lady Lynn Forester de Rothchild, international financier and Clinton fundraiser, is supporting John McCain because Barack Obama 'is an elitist'.  Yeah.  I can only assume that elitist is code for something that rhymes with 'trigger'. Relevancy, you may ask?  Meeting with her is what McCain was doing when he was supposedly working on the crisis.

But what can he do to save the Republic?  Take it away top McCain surrogate Lindsay Graham!  "McCain supporter Sen. Lindsey Graham tells CNN the McCain campaign is proposing to the Presidential Debate Commission and the Obama camp that if there's no bailout deal by Friday, the first presidential debate should take the place of the VP debate, currently scheduled for next Thursday, October 2 in St. Louis." 

Just how scared is their campaign about having Sarah Palin face questions, even if they're so easy a special needs third grader could answer them.?  Let's look at the pool report from Politico:

"McCain then looked around the room and gestured as if to welcome questions. The AP reporter shouted a question at Gov. Palin ("Governor, what have you learned from your meetings?") but McCain aide Brooke Buchanan intervened and shepherded everybody out of the room. Palin looked surprised, leaned over to McCain and asked him a question, to which your pooler thinks he shook his head as if to say "No.""

Finally, one bit of sanity from musical group Heart  (linked for graphic descriptions of analingus on a very unattractive man):

EDITED: Last link fixed