Michelle Bachmann: "Part of the problem is
today, only 53% pay any federal income tax at all; 47% pay nothing," the
former federal tax attorney said. "We need to broaden the base so that
everybody pays something, even if it's a dollar."
Paul Ryan: "We need to lower tax rates for corporations and individuals, and broaden the tax base."
This is why Republicans are winning at politics right now: they are euphemism machines. Taxing the rich? That's "class warfare". Taxing the poor? That's "broadening the base". That they can say both with a straight face? That's the scary part.
Maybe it's because I have some kind of Pavlovian response to it now after three years of Starbucks being the sole means by which I can purchase alertness, but I found the (now old) Starbucks logo pleasing. So why the new monochromatic, worldess logo?
As the Suze put it, they want to graduate to Nike status. Yes! Nike status! I love it.
Nike status (n.): the final evolution of a brand, in which years of unrelenting marketing render the name and service offered by your company replaceable with a single basic image.
Which, of course, got me thinking: who else has achieved Nike status?
An obvious choice, I suppose, although, to be fair, the logo is in the shape of an apple. Nike and Starbucks have images that don't directly relate to either the product or the name of the company. Here's a fun game: type "apple" into Google and try to find a link related to fruit.
Lots of car companies, of course. Toyota, Honda, and Lexus use the first letter, which is cheating. BMW gets disqualified because of those pesky letters. Mercedes! There's a good one. Of course, the Germans have always been good with logos. And hey, there's something else Obama has in common with Hitler.
Hand and microvascular surgeons specializing in treating bone, joint,
soft tissue difficulties involving the shoulder, arm, wrist and hand -
including Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Our proven procedures are supported
by exemplary medical professionalism and patient care.
Developers of the patented Brown Procedure for endoscopic CTS treatment.
The Brown Hand Center, founded by Dr. Michael Brown, have a ubiquitous advertising presence in Houston; they are the type of annoying local commercials found around the country (although not quite so inspired that anybody would make a documentary about them - Jim knows what I'm talking about). Here's one now, and you should watch it, although I must warn you: the word "daddy's baby girl!" will be ringing in your ears for days.
Creepy, right? But I thought it was just creepy in that "awkward locally produced commercial" sort of way. I thought the look of barely-suppressed fear and panic in his wife's eyes was stage fright. I thought wrong.
Carpal tunnel syndrome is a repetitive stress injury; repetitive stress injuries are the result of repeating the same action over and over. Dr. Brown apparently became an expert in the subject by repeatedly going upside his wife's head.
The founder of the Brown Hand Center, Michael Brown, was arrested in
Houston charged with twisting his wife's arm in a domestic dispute,
according to accounts in the Houston Chronicle and Dallas Morning News.
Brown's medical centers specializes in carpal tunnel surgeries and has
centers in Phoenix, Texas and Las Vegas. Brown was released on bail in
Houston and was told to stay away from his wife. He has faced some
previous domestic charges, according to the Texas papers.
[On] January 24 of last year, [...] Brown returned to his Woodlands residence
from a topless club and allegedly brutalized his wife, who was seven
months pregnant. She told detectives the doctor dragged her by her hair,
broke off a bedpost and beat her with it before pointing a gun at her
head and screaming, "You're not having this fucking baby." The wife
claimed that she locked herself in a bedroom and the husband fired
several shots through the door.
The baby in question? None other than "daddy's baby girl". Of course.
So where do I get a euphemism out of all this? Perhaps you don't enjoy the irony of a man associated with a famous hand procedure beating his wife, but it seems pretty clear to me that the following should now be etched into the permanent tablet that is the internet. The Brown Hand Procedure is now a euphemism for beating your wife.
"Oh my god, you have a black eye! What happened to you?"
"Michael didn't like the dinner I made, so he gave me the Brown Hand Procedure."
What you said: "blah blah blah blah blah... and that's how I feel."
What you meant: "blah blah blah blah blah... and the preceding statement was stupid, likely racist or homophobic, and either not able to be backed up by or directly refuted by proven facts."
"The Holy Bible say if your 'GAY' homosexual they shall surely be put to
death; their blood shall be upon them. This tells me alot so should we
kill them NO. They Need to ask God to forgive them of their sins and
mean it turn away from it. They also need to know that when it says that
their blood shall be upon them that tells me it is AIDS. Thats how I
[Warning: the following article makes liberal use of the C word]
The scene? The fraternity dining room, Saturday night. A group including myself, the Suze, and Jim are playing cards. The game is Threes and Fives. The rules, as we play it, are simple: each player is dealt two cards. 3s and 5s are wild. Each player examines their hand, determines a course of action, and then holds the cards out in front of them.
3... 2... 1... drop!
Anybody who drops their cards is out. Anybody still holding their cards shows down. The highest pair wins the pot. Losers match the pot. The game continues until a single player holds their cards.
In this particular hand, the Suze, after lengthy deliberation, elected to drop her cards. After the showdown, it was revealed she had held a pair of Aces. She could only be beat by someone with two 3s, two 5s, or a 3 and a 5. The winning hand that round? A pair of Kings.
Here's where things get ugly. (Remember, the c-word is approachin'!)
"We can double, triple all the forms of alternative energies in wind
and solar and hydro, and even with doubling and tripling in a
relatively short period of time, we're still going to be on fossil
fuels," said James Mulva*, chairman and CEO of ConocoPhillips at the
National Summit in Detroit.
An oil executive thinks that the answer to our energy problems is more oil? NO FUCKING WAY.
Renewable energies, which currently account for less than 5% of our total energy production, will need to be more than doubled or tripled to make up the gap caused by reduced fossil fuel use? GET THE FUCK OUT.
[Mulva] referred to unexplored oil and gas in the United States as the country's "inconvenient secret."
The word "inconvenient" has now been taken over by Al Gore. It no longer means something that is not convenient, but instead only exists as a riff on the title of his global warming documentary. Otherexamplesabound.
*James Mulva! If there is a god, his wife is named Delores. And if you don't get that joke, then you should just stop reading my blog. Srsly. GTFO. Because that is just gold.
It's not every day that you can help a friend make a dream come true. But friend of the site joem has a dream, and I want to help him make it happen:
I have a modest proposal that doesn't involve cannibalism. Let's start an internet meme!
all seen people complaining about some certainties of the internet
(recycled content, so much porn, trolls everywhere, etc etc). Now,
various online communities/forums have their own ways of mocking these
things, and sometimes they spread to other forum/communities, like much
of 4chan's contributions to the world of mockery.
Well, I might be mistaken, but I don't think there
is any general way to mock someone for not quite "getting" the
internet, asides from just calling them "newb" or "n00b" or some
variation. But this phrase is a little too general. It can be applied
to more situations than just someone not getting the internet. (It can
be applied to someone not getting anything, basically.) I have a
specific phrase, which we've all heard before:
"Welcome to front house."
For the uninitiated, the fraternity that joem and I (and some other OC readers) belonged to in college had three houses. Front House was the main house and, uh, the one in the front. Now, there may have been some lame fraternities that hazed their pledges by making them do push-ups and dig ditches out in the back and then live in them for a week, but much more common in our fraternity was the hazing of other members. And sometimes they would get upset about being hazed. Ooh, you don't like being hazed? Too bad! Welcome to front house!
So when you stormed out of your room in a huff because somebody was blasting music in the hallway of the fraternity house at 3 am? Welcome to front house! Or when some lady complains about the traffic in Houston and trying to make an exit across six lanes? Welcome to front house! Or an article in a blog makes fun of the quality of service that your cable company can provide? Welcome to front house!!!
If you want to determine how toxic a certain chemical is, you develop a curve like the one shown above. This is called a Dose-Response Curve.
Notice the label on the y-axis: "percent of animals responding." This curve shows what percentage of an animal population "responds" to a toxicant as it is administered at higher and higher dosages. Below the "No Observable Effect Level" labeled "NOEL", animals do not respond to the dosage. At a high enough dose, every animal "responds."
How is animal "response" determined? Well, if after being administered the suspected toxicant, if the animal is alive, it has not responded. If it is dead, it has responded.
Season 4, or 5, or something, of The Hills just ended. I can't actually count all the way to 5 anymore without significant effort - such is the effect of direct exposure to The Hills. Hopefully it will wear off in a few minutes. But the Suze, like all women, is without defense to its wiles. Is that a sentence? Words are hard right now.
Listen: I'm getting to a point. One good thing came out of the Hills. It is below, in the following clip, courtesy of The Soup.
"This is crazy that all this is happening while Lauren is gone."
What is that a euphemism for? Watch the clip again, and it will be clear. It is a euphemism for "I am too dumb to understand what you are talking about so I must deflect attention to a completely different topic." Somebody gettin' all up in your grill about superstring theory? Got bitches all over you wanting to talk about the difference between covalent and ionic bonds?
It is crazy that all this is happening while Lauren is gone.
Of course, the power of this phrase (mantra) goes beyond simple misunderstanding. Use it to deflect uncomfortable political or religious conversations. What is your opinion on gay marriage? Do you think that we should be using taxpayer dollars to bail out private industries? Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior?
It is crazy that all this is happening while Lauren is gone.
You know what really grinds my gears? Pretty much everything about the game of football. Jesse has been making me watch alot of football lately, and I have to say... this game is pretty goddamn irritating. And no. It's not because I'm a girl. It's because
there are just some things are fucking stupid about the sport of football.
instance, somebody tell the quarterback that his job is not to get the football
and then stand there before getting tackled. His job is to throw the
football! Throw! The! Fucking! Football! Throw it! I even get mad when the
quarterback I'm supposed to be rooting against does this. I guess my
anger at somebody paid millions of dollars failing to do his job right exceeds
my caring over who wins some stupid games.
Speaking of not caring: I don't care who is "In The Hunt" for a playoff spot.
This is a stupid phrase. Nobody is hunting anything. Is
phrase even grammatically correct? Do you go "In The Hunt" for deer? No, you go
fucking hunting. And when you catch it, you kill it and eat it. And I
doubt the Dolphins or Cowboys are turning to cannibalism any time soon
(however, this method would ensure a spot in the playoffs).
But that phrase isn't even half as dumb as "Control Your Own Destiny."
Are they "In The Hunt" for a playoff spot, or are they questing for a
magical spear that can be used to destroy mankind? Stop trying to make your
sport sound like a fantasy novel read by pimply teenage boys or a made-for-TNT
And guess what: when I go into a business meeting with a client, I don't stand
up and introduce myself as "Suzi, graphic designer, Rensselaer Polytechnic
Institute." You know why? Because nobody cares what college I went to. (Well,
that and everyone would think I went to a 2-year tech college after earning my
GED.) But if I was a football player, apparently everybody has to know what
college I went to, because it is somehow relevant to what is happening on the
field. Hey, football player who introduced himself as attending the "U
Already Know" yesterday: no, I don't already know. And I don't care.
And finally--quarterbacks who can't be bothered to look up at the fucking play
clock before getting a delay of game penalty... What is your fucking deal? Or
perhaps you just need a refresher on simple math. That's just a penalty
that no one should get unless they want to get flogged in the middle of the
And don't even get me started on the name... Might as well call it soccer. The only time the foot is involved is when they fuck up, and they have to kick the ball to the other team. Hey, fuckupball. Now there is a name that makes sense.
So lets say you are a city. As with many American cities, you have a small homeless problem. All your highways have feeder roads, so there are lots of underpasses with traffic lights - what a perfect place to live and work if you are a homeless person (and by "work" I mean hold up a "United Negro Pizza Fund" sign and a cup).
What do you do, city? Well, you want to make it clear to the homeless that they should not be living under the overpasses. But you can't put up a bunch of signs that say "Go back to New Orleans", right?
In the most recent issue of Somebody Else's Business, we were treated to a wonderfully whacked letter from a recent mother who was aghast at her husband for looking at porn. The horror!
"I'm shocked, disgusted,
and feel betrayed. I'm up with the baby all night, and he's having a
When I first read this, I assumed that she was upstairs with the baby, while her husband was downstairs at the computer. Astute OC reader Greg writes:
"So is [the] computer on the ground floor, or is "having a party downstairs" a euphemism?"
Well, if it wasn't a euphemism before, it is now. From now on, you aren't looking at porn on the computer. You're having a party downstairs!
But is looking at pornography the only thing we do on the computer's that we are ashamed of? A problem has cropped up recently. And that problem is blog shame.
Much of the subject matter for this website is recounting the occasionally amusing or interesting things that happen in my life. But now, whenever something potentially blog worthy happens, The Suze has taken to exclaiming in a loud voice: "You should blog about this!"
Ugh. Okay, yes, I have a blog. But does she have to tell everyone? I feel like she just announced to the room that I need to go apply hemorrhoid medicine. I prefer to blog in the privacy of my own home, when nobody is around. I take a few minutes on the computer, do what I need to do, and then get on with my life. Which are also the ideal computer porn watching conditions.
So from now on:
Watching porn on the computer? You're having a party downstairs. Blogging? That's a party upstairs.
Usage: anyone who is worried about the time while everyone else enjoys themselves is said to be catching the 1 am shuttle.
Origin: Crackah, the best man, organized the events of the evening. His schedule hinged on making it back to the bus stop to catch the 1 am shuttle because the cheap hotel he selected was too far from downtown to walk or pay for a taxi ride.
One of the top 3 girls
Usage: if you or a friend of yours interacts with an unattractive woman in a bar or other social gathering, justify your choice by indicating she is one of the top 3 girls, despite clear evidence to the contrary. Bonus points if she appears to be addicted to drugs, is much older than you, or you are colorblind.
Origin: After Crackah was questioned on the quality of the girl he selected for a dance, he protested that she was one of the top 3 girls in the club. She was not.
Highly recommended by Crackah
Usage: if you are attending a poor or inadequate restauraunt, hotel, or bar, it comes "highly recommended by Crackah".
Origin: Appalled by the state of the hotel that we were staying in, we said to Crackah: "So, what do you think of the place?" to which he responded, "Yeah, it's really nice!" It was not.